As there are spoilers, -Uncle Sam- will want you for the –Zombiefied- army of the dead making you march over –Steve Niles’ Remains- chanting for Zombie Master to review Days of Darkness from 2007.
Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here for your entertainment and today in episode twenty-five of Horror Never Dies I shall be reviewing Days of Darkness.
We open up and dive right into the credits and see them over a comet hurdling towards earth. Seeing a piece break off and break up in the atmosphere, we can only guess that it is zombie stardust. Then cutting to a guy and a girl during the day and then looking up at the moon. Hello Moon! Coming back down, it’s night! The guy pulls out champagne and it gets all romantic. Then we quickly go back to it being daytime, and them hiking down the mountain only to find their car covered in star dust.
Jumping to them driving we meet our first zombie of the evening, and the yet unnamed man gets out of the car. You can call me whatever you want, but personally I am not going to get out of the car to talk to the guy who’s hands and face are covered with blood. Even more silly, our unnamed friend has only a pocketknife as a weapon. Finally we learn his name is Steve, because his girlfriend distracts him long enough for him to get bit… ut oh… So, he ends up throwing the zombie down a hill, annnd losing the keys to the car in the process… My question is, why did he take them with him in the first place. It seems his thinking must be “Hey! If this guys over powers me honey, I want you to be next!” We see another one of the undead at the car, and as Stave finally finds the keys, he pushes a couple of walkers out of the way and gets in the car.
A vehicle pulls up, a guy jumping out and swiftly dispenses with the walkers in the general area then has Steve and his girl follow him.
(Shout Out – http://www.FilmNoirBlonde.com)
Entering into a compound, we are introduced quickly to most of our group for the movie and then we move on inside meeting Mr. Trigger Happy, Chad, and the porn star Kylie. They are fighting over whether to kill the zombie in the basement and she goes into an “I’m not perfect but…” speech ending in “a you cannot understand because” speech which makes me roll my eyes. You have a zombie in the basement, it should be killed. The end. I don’t care who’s relative it is, then Simon the rescuer from earlier comes up since Chad won’t listen and gives a story of how he watched his three year old daughter get ripped apart. Sad. Yes. However, it has no figging bearing on the situation at hand, boo hoo get out of the way and kill the zombie in the basement for figs sake!
Very shortly thereafter we meet the zombie’s brother Trent, who comes in spewing bible verses, and saying that the zombie apocalypse is God’s wrath upon mankind… *deadpan* How. Original. */deadpan* Steve lets Lin (Their girl commando) know that he’s bit, we jump through a couple of scenes then Chad comes back in with Steve’s food, then notices that Steve is bit. Chad in my opinion has a pretty fair reaction; he gets ready to kill Steve since he is the only one with a gun. Chad is an utter douche pancake in a lot of ways, but I cannot help but say that he is right on these points. Kill the zombie that’s in your midst and kill the guy who got bit. Sounds pretty sensible to me.
Chad makes it clear if Steve stays he is staying with thing in the basement, and Chad and Lin quibble over whether it is a thing or it is Herbert, Trent’s brother… Thankfully that does not go on long as Steve nails Chad right in the nuts and Chad makes it clear that he will kill him if he does not go downstairs. After Lin says she’ll watch over Mimi Steve’s girlfriend he goes downstairs. Again, I have to agree with Chad… I do not even like Chad. However, I would not let someone who was bit not be at least contained if they were where I was. Chad pushes Steve in with Herbert and wishes him nighty night.
Going outside we see the enemy at the gates but quickly we are back inside with Steve and Herbert as Steve tries to figure it all out. He picks up a stick and pokes at Herbert’s pants annnd… well the best way to put it is that Steve finds that Herbert has lost his manhood as it falls out of his pants leg. He wraps it up and puts it in his pocket… now that is a bizarre fetish.
Steve gets let out and comes up stairs only to find out that his virgin girlfriend is pregnant and that she is three months along. She tries to beg and plead her case. However, would you believe her? I know I certainly wouldn’t and neither does Steve, he tells her to get away from him. I want to add that this entire scene with Steve finding that she cheated on him is acted out incredibly well.
Jumping ahead, Steve shows everyone Herbert’s phallus, and of course they go for the obvious joke with the porn star saying she knows what that is… The more bizarre and disturbing part of the Johnson reveal scene is that Trent Herbert’s brother runs over to get a peak as well. Then Chad offers to bring Kylie, her Daughter Jane, and Simon back to his ranch… as sex slaves and manual labor. Who is going to be what? you can be the judge. Kylie promptly spits in his face. Good girl. After Chad leaves, everyone decides the best idea would be to go examine Herbert… now… I cannot say I do not understand their reasoning. Yet, I can say going about examining it ALIVE seems pretty tram dumb to me!
(Shout Out – http://www.bant-shirts.com/)
After a little run in with Chad, almost everyone goes downstairs to get Herbert. We see that it looks like he’s grown four testicles… HHHmmm… I think that might be useful. After wrangling the zombie, they get him upstairs at which point they go about opening his sac and out falls what looks like an alien human hybrid embryo. As Steve performs an autopsy they find a number of other abnormalities, ending with Steve sawing open Herbert’s head and having what looks like a maggot fall out of his brain. Euuuwww… Now that is a DIFFERENT explanation for zombies. Brain maggots that take over the body and make all men eunuchs. The best line of this movie comes from this scene with Kylie the porn star saying “Men cannot have sex, they will take over the world.”
Shortly we find out that Simon is gay and not only lost his daughter, but also lost his partner. With that Trent officially takes Chad’s title as biggest douche canoe of the party telling Simon that they paid for his sins because sodomites go to hell. Sorry Trent, Hell is Full, but I think we’ll find a place for hateful bigots like you! Simon losing it swings his machete upward taking off two of Trent’s fingers. If it was me I would shaved his head, starting at the neck. The most disturbing part of THIS scene is that Trent does not react when his fingers are cut off; he just picks them up and only makes any noticeable reaction once he is outside. Now that IS creepier than the zombies or the sac removal.
Once Trent is outside, he not surprisingly quotes scripture then opens the gate letting *sarcasm* “God’s wrath” pour in *end sarcasm*. Back inside with the rest of the party, Slasher goes to close the door but just as he gets to it a zombie comes in acting like he is on bath salts making a meal of Slasher’s face. Once they get it off of him DJ goes about a hilarious costume change now wearing a bright pink hugs not drugs shirt. Surprisingly Slasher lives. They fight over whether to go clear the compound at night, or wait for the day. They finally agree to wait till morning.
Going forward to it being daytime, they wake up and get some makeshift weapons. With everyone finally ready to tear every zombie apart, we finally get some real blood and guts action. However, they really could have done without the shaky follow cam action. We also learn during this scene that zombies literally growl.
As the scene winds down, we find that Slasher indeed went to the big strip club in the sky, and Treat shows back up… yet they do not kill him. Saying, “He’s not worth it”. FUNK THAT! This guy just opened the gate to let the ZOMBIE figging HORDE in. He is a danger and a disaster waiting to happen. He should be taken out immediately. No questions, no talking about it. He should be laid out dead for letting in the zombies… I am shaking my head at these people.
While they are cleaning up the compound they find a guy who looks like Leisure suit Larry, who also has four testicles. Their first instinct. Bring him inside!? Certainly not my first choice when finding more mutilated gonads. They go about checking out his anatomy, and learning more about the zombie condition. But, being distracted they now have an alien zombie sac baby on the loose because of all of this, and they have to find it. DJ and Simon volunteer to go downstairs to find it. Simon walks into a very stereotypical room with a flashing light and we see that the thing has grown and is behind him, looking like a raw turkey with a baby’s head glued on top. The creature jumps Simon from behind, however surprisingly he lives. Well, that is until Trent goes downstairs finding him and smashes his skull in after kissing him.
(Shout Out – http://www.livetattooing.com/)
As we go on, Steve says “it couldn’t get any worse” which Lin aptly replies that he could be castrated too. She has a good point. Something dawns on Steve and he realizes that the reason Mimi his girlfriend is pregnant is because she is infected. Certainly did not see that coming, she is in a state of immaculate conception because alien stardust fell to earth and removed all men’s cojones. Huh… well, that’s as good an explanation as any for immaculate conception.
Jumping a head a little Kylie’s daughter Jane seduces Trent downstairs, an she is infected as well. In a scene that reminds me of Hentai, she has tentacles come from her nether regions, trying to be a face sucker from aliens. Treat does kill her, and we see Steve apologize to Mimi for ever doubting her. I’m sorry, I see no real reason to apologize. I mean yes, he was mistaken, yet who can blame him. After all, it is not every day your virgin girlfriend gets knocked up by zombie stardust. Maybe every seventh day, but not every single one.
They go about kicking Chad out, then regretting it, so Lin, Kylie, and DJ decide to find him. But, before they can really get out of the compound, two of the three get devoured by the enemy at the gate. After which we get a nice long scene of Steve pissing on the wall. We get some scenes of Steve taking care of Mimi. Then Chad comes back because there was no one else and he was lonely, he also has brought important supplies things… like weed, porn, and booze. We get some more scenes of Steve taking care of Mimi, then she ends up killing Chad… of course after you start liking him.
Steve finally decides to somehow get the thing out of Mimi, and in the last moments before he is going to do what must be done. He gives her some liquor so that it will not be as painful. When he does the GINORMOUS maggot creature jumps from… um… uh… down under. In this moment all I can think is that when Steve finally gets to have sex with his virgin girlfriend it will be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. We see it try to attach to Steve’s face and die.
They realize in the greatest cure for the zombie apocalypse ever that the creatures hate alcohol and that everyone who survived had to have been drinking. With that they decide to leave and go to Chad’s ranch. The credits roll, but as they do we see them drunk off cheap liquor going about opening the gates, cleaning off the road, and driving away in Chad’s hummer. With that it ends, but I do feel the desire to add, that I have to wonder if they accidently drove drunk off the mountain shortly thereafter.
My final thought is that this movie is AWESOME. It is a fun, campy, cheesy b-movie no doubt. However, it also truly builds up what is causing the zombies more than the great majority of other movies. Which with what causes them in this case; it would have been ridiculous without the build up. They needed it, and it worked perfect. It had its humor and killed off characters at the right time, in the right ways in my opinion. If there is only one negative I could say about this, I do think killing off two of the characters at the same time was a little bit of a waste. Yet, it has a cure for the zombie apocalypse, and the best one possible EVER. This movie is also quite well acted for being a lower budget B-Movie. I would suggest you give it a watch just for the fun of it all.
Annnnnd… Fade to Black!
Always keep your liquor handy, Never trust a zealot, Know if you are having stardust babies, and Remember Horror NEVER Dies.
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