When -Juan of the Dead- tells you that there will be spoilers during the -Dead Season- you will see the -Zombies of the Stratosphere- as Zombie Master reviews Zombies Anonymous.
Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to be your enabler and in episode thirty of Horror Never Dies I will be reviewing Zombies Anonymous from 2006.
We enter in on a very stereotypical static, newscast, static giving us the details of how it all started in this little world. We learn that the undead have a heartbeat every two minutes. We learn that no one really knows why it happened an after we finish with the newscast for now, we come in on one main characters for the evening Angela hiding in a bathroom from her boyfriend Josh. We see him, acting like a total funk tard, screaming putting his fist into the door gun in hand. It all escalates until he breaks the door in half and shoots her in the head. I wish I could say that this was unrealistic when it comes to abusive sewer spew… however it is unsettling exactly how true to life this scene really is and this scene was acted incredibly well. We cut away and then we get more static, news, static, as well as Angela’s reanimation with our weekly dose of Credits! Angela gets to the phone, and two paramedics arrive, when they find she’s dead they just leave her twitching on the floor.
(Shout Out ~ http://NightmareAtGravityHill.com/)
With the credits done and Angela’s death out of the way, we jaunt on over to three guys driving around looking for prey, one of them being Angela’s ex-boyfriend Josh. They find a zombie minding his own business, not hurting anyone… (Never thought I would be saying those words) They go about beating him down and stealing his money because he is different… (Sound familiar? No correlations that they are making here… nope none at all.)
Swinging on over to the… Zombies Anonymous meeting, we go around the room meeting everyone introducing themselves in the *dripping with sarcasm* expected way *end Sarcasm*… An example! Hi, My name is Zombie Master and I am mortally challenged… and I LOVE IT! I guess there really is a support group for everything these days… it is like rule 34 without the sex. Maybe it is rule 17. Who knows, anyway… We see Angela is there, and they say even the mortally challenged need hugs. I think I am going to vomit. It is Angela’s first time there, she speaks and we move back to being with the douche patrol, just as quickly we are back at the ZA meeting seeing the group leader scold what has to be my favorite character of the movie Lewis for smoking. His reaction is fair, and what mine would be also saying in what I think is the best line of the movie. “What are you worried about, it is not like you are going to get cancer or something!” I do believe that it is likely in this world; Lewis would be your Zombie Master. He asks Angela how she likes being a zombie, the leader once again scolds him telling him to not to use that word… at which point I want to slap her. Lewis tells her, that’s what we are and I am undead and proud. Good going Lewis, we find out that Angela was a vegetarian and he goes into talking about standing in the supermarket looking at all the meat.
Personally, I would have to wonder wouldn’t the supermarket be the best place to pick up some extra fresh meat! We see them go about pushing Angela to eat a doughnut, even though they make them all vomit. Lewis gets irate that they are lying to themselves, and they ask him to leave… After Lewis leaves, they push Angela into eating the doughnut because it’s what “normal people do” then we watch them all vomit (and they say Lewis is the creepy one?!). Talk about denial…
Back with the douche squad, we hear them talking of meeting “The Commandant” as they seem to be nonchalantly watching a snuff film (a film where someone really gets murdered). We get it explained to us, that the film is of a couple where one was alive the other dead. We see them sever her head, and we can only guess that they killed the guy as well for consorting with the enemy. It. is. rather unsettling… We get a quick glimpse of the commandant who we learn is a woman.
Going back to Angela, she is showing signs of her condition or should I say her decomposition. We continue watching her, and it almost feels a little stalker like as we watch her on a dating site looking at an ad that is an undead male seeking female undead or alive. We also can tell that death does not change how bad people are at writing personal ads. We see an infomercial for look alive, and Angela finally succombs to the hunger in all of us. She baits a mousetrap and waits for live prey.
We go back to the goon squad meeting with the commandant at a restaurant, they try to act big and bad but one of them calls the other out on his blustering and then we get a scene that could remind one of a documentary from the 1950’s civil rights era. This scene is played out beautifully, it is so well acted that it makes you extremely uncomfortable because of how well it portrays its message. The commandant goes into a tirade about how “This filth needs to take their rightful place in the grave or they will wish that they had, destroy everything they had, everything they where, everything they cling too that reminds them of the life they used to live…” Now… I would say that plan is a good way to get all the intelligent zombies to say funk it and just start eat EVERYONE! Honestly, the commandant just needs a white hood and her outfit would be complete!
(Shout Out – HellisFull.net/JenniferClaybern
Gong to Angela again, we see her taking headache meds, then vomiting them into the toilet. Then over to the douche squad torturing the zombie server who was not hurting anyone. Again to Angela and the mousetrap snaps and she has fresh meat…
We cut to black, and then back in on Angela getting punched in the face for no reason while waiting for the bus. She tries to walk, but we find that Josh is following her, and tries to make contact. She understandably makes it clear for him to go away.
She goes to another ZA meeting, and we finally for the first time get a time frame. It has been five months since she died, and she has yet to eat a single human. She talks of how no one will talk to her, and the group leader tells her that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Really?! *rant* This is the person who encourages them to eat human food, try to act all human like for the sake of doing what NORMAL people do?!?! and she is telling her that it is not anything to be ashamed of?!?! Talk ABOUT MIXED FIGGING MESSAGES! * endrant* Angela talks of considering going to a voluntary termination center. One of the other members goes over a story of visiting one, and I will just say it’s not pretty, and heck… you have your undead life, why give it up because of some bigots!
After she leaves ZA, she bumps into Lewis who is with three creepy girls. Angela gets a ride from them, and they get creepier by the minute. They give her some meat, and we can see a tattoo on her piece of obviously human flesh. Mmmmmm… human flesh. They go over the how we died moment, that I think would be the zombie equivalent of “How is the Weather?” and they speak of the good mother solstice. Once they finally get to their house, Lewis has to leave and they bring Angela inside.
Moving forward, we see Josh followed her there, and he calls “his boys”, then goes off in his car like she is his property in some testosterone infused douchebaggery. Going inside, they offer her a feast bringing out a live woman begging for her life. When Angela refuses, they go about feasting instead and Angela passes out. Upon waking up, we can hear that it is the zombie Manson family verses the anti-zombie KKK. Josh comes up, pointing his gun at Angela in a very familiar position, yet this time she just stares at him. He lets her live and once Josh is downstairs one of the zombie survivors shoots Richie one of the douche patrol in the chest. All heck breaks loose about it, as they get him into the car and we go to it being day time and the commandant rids them of the zombie Richie execution style more angry that her hair is getting wet than that one of her men was shot.
Jumping ahead, we see Angela get fired because the guy across the hall is upset by her zombieness. Then we jump over to his royal doucheiness Josh telling the head dimwit about the ZA meetings. Dimwit even tries to talk Josh out of it, and Josh says “We need payback for Richie”… and suddenly… I feel like I am watching Zombies verses Goodfellas. We go to seeing Angela go on the job hunt and at every step of the way being told we have a policy of not hiring zombies. Seems everyone is asking for a… I am thinking race riot. However, zombie is not a race. Would it be a life riot? I guess so. Moving on…
Back at another ZA meeting we jump between the meeting and the armada of hate coming to take them down. Once they get there and out of their box truck. How original. We see them bust in and take down all the walking corpses pretty quickly getting them into the truck and to a field for an execution of sorts. We see them planting pikes, and they take two of the ZAers heads and put them on them. The commandant gives Josh a machete and it would seem we have come full circle. However, before he can go about killing Angela for a second time, there is gunfire and one of the commandant’s men in shot. We see Lewis and the undead rebels come out like ghostbusters, taking out pretty much everyone and Josh dies in the process. The only one to survive of course is the commandant.
(Shout Out – http://sabbiespursesandmore.com/)
We open back up on Angela once again waking up meeting zombie cult leader Good Mother Solstice… An Alanis Morissette looking woman who is standing in front of a window making her glow all angelic like. We find that they have sewn Angela up and even put a metal plate where her bullet hole is. Things quickly get crazy when somehow… someway… the commandant has ended up there as well in her underwear for no reason what so ever. Josh tries to make his way inside with a shotgun, but gets his legs chewed on for a bit. This whole thing goes into the realm of what the funkery as Angela declines the good mother’s offer to become one of her cult members and they fight. The commandant goes about laying the smack down on every zombie that comes near her until she get a hole blown through her spine with a shotgun. Angela and the good mother continue fighting with a switch blade going back and forth between them getting stabbed and slashed here and there. His royal doucheiness continues getting his legs chewed on until he FINALLY is able to shoot his gun.
Back with the commandant, she is able to get a hold of a shotgun and takes out ALL of the good mother’s disciples. We sadly see Lewis’s eye patch fall to the ground. Going back upstairs to the good mother, she injects herself with human blood Angela takes the syringe and stabs it into her temple. At this point… there are no words. Because of the air Angela injects into the good mother’s brain… her head explodes and all I can think is… I do not think it works like that.
Angela goes downstairs, and her and Josh have one final standoff, where she cuts one of his testicles off then puts it into his forehead before blowing off one of his legs at the knee cap and leaving while he is wailing about how much he loves her (when he was just trying to kill her), and begging her not to leave. I really wish I could just see this as something in a movie and not how pathetic some people really are… Josh tries to crawl out of the house after her, but the commandant has made it down the stairs with a shotgun taking his head off and then her own with a smile. We finish up with Angela limping down the street covered in blood.
Well… my final thoughts on my number three favorite zombie movie. I will first say that I cannot watch this movie very often because of how unsettling it really is. I will also say that is WHY this IS my number three favorite zombie movie. You see this movie does EVERYTHING right that Zombies of Mass Destruction did wrong. (To hear my opinion of that one look up HellisFull.net/ZMD) I can say, Zombies Anonymous is NOT for everyone, it is not funny and it is not a blood, guts, teeth ripping flesh kind of zombie movie. It makes a statement about hatred, about being bigoted, and about people going against people just because they are different. I think it does it almost too well; the acting is frankly amazing for something this low budget. It is so realistic, so raw at times, that is what makes it frightening. Though there IS one thing I can say bad about number three. The ending is out of nowhere, it is forced and it seems like a pasted on afterthought. I think if they had just ended it with the massacre of the commandant’s “army” this would have been even better. Having the whole massacre of the zombie cult was beyond farfetched. The commandant was realistic up to that point, where she became a Rambo of hate. Also, neither her nor Angela needed to be put in their underwear for the last twenty minutes of the movie. Cut out the ending and this movie is disturbing for its realism when it comes to people’s reaction to the differences in all of us and that is what makes it Zombie Master’s number three favorite zombie movie!
Now… before I go, I was able to get a hold of some of the Zombie’s Anonymous literature and here are
The Twelve Keys to Living a Normal Life (as one of the undead)
1. We admitted that we are undead, and that there is nothing we can do to change that.
2. Came to understand that our life was over, yet our undead one was just beginning.
3. Made the decision that we can still live like the living, and that we can be normal people just like them.
4. Made an inventory of our friends and family, and let people know so that it would be less likely we would slip and eat them.
5. Admitted to cheese and to our fellow undead, any humans we had eaten and cast off the flesh eating desires.
6. Were ready to give ourselves to a termination center, if and only if we could not hold back the hunger.
7. Forcefully, we shall remind ourselves that we are normal through whatever means necessary.
8. Made a list of all persons we had eaten (if any) and went to their homes if they became undead or to their graves if we had eaten their head as well, to make amends with them when appropriate.
9. Directly punished ourselves when we slipped and ate the flesh of a human, be it by complete abstinence from meat or eating vegetarian meats.
10. Continued living life as a human being, and promptly admittedly when we slipped into undead like actions.
11. Sought through guidance and meditation, to keep out humanity through any means necessary. Keeping this power inside of us, so that we can remain normal to the outside world.
12. Having reanimated, and being strong willed, we carried this message to the less fortunate undead who gave us all a bad name.
Talk about denial…
Annnnnnnnd Fade to Black!
Always remember to look before you leap, Never allow people to put you in denial, Know when it is time to just go with your gut, and remember Horror Never Dies!
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