When you ride the -Zombie and the Ghost Train- you may get to -Zombiethon- early, but don’t worry because -I was a Zombie for the F.B.I.- and let me tell you Zombie Master is here to review Porn Star Zombies from 2009
Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to get your blood flowing and today I shall be reviewing Porn Star Zombies. Now, here is the thing, as anyone who has been listening for awhile knows. I try to keep it at least a little bit clean, ok… I try to keep it clean… I am going to be doing my best at that with this one, the fun will be seeing if I can!
Moving onto the movie without any credits we enter in and… it’s in black in white. Great. I have no problem with black and white, however a lot of movies that use it seem to want it to add something when really all it does is detract. Anyway… we get a scene of a guy and girl in bed which ends quickly after he makes a very crass comment that makes you ask yourself if he is still in high school (He looks to be in his mid twenties.) Once we get a very quick title card we see Guy #1 (I will be calling him that because as far as I could tell he and most of the characters in this movie were not important enough to give names… even in the credits… or on imdb… I looked.) Anyway, Guy #1 knocks on a door and we meet Richard, a seeming man child with huge frizzy hair wearing what looks to be… a. woman’s. thong. After our brief interlude at Richard’s house they are on their way to the porn house, when Richard feels the need to buy condoms. Like he is going to be getting some… We go through meeting the clerk at the store then watching Richard back into a car at the porn house.
They get to the backyard and Richard who is sadly kind of the star of this little cluster funk of a movie makes a comment that would make Howard Stern blush. Walking inside he continues acting juvenile to the point of making my old rotted brain hurt. He is the new editor for their little porn production, yet I have a feeling all he will be able to do is get his key board sticky.
Moving forward, we awkwardly cut to a “porn” scene… that is acted worse than real porn scenes. Now, I have a feeling the director was trying to play it up and make it over the top. However, it does NOT work… it just comes off as terrible acting. After the scene is interrupted, we meet Baxter Dalton, the director of their fine feature. Who is a sasshat, to say he flies off the handle would be akin to saying Dexter Morgan just nicks people with knives. After we meet the piece of work that is Baxter, we learn that Guy #1 told him that he is gay because Baxter does not hire straight directors for the understandable concern than that they will just want to boing all the girls and not get their job done.
We saunter into the make-up room, and meet the “bevy of beauties”, they are spray painting kisses on the girl’s posteriors. We also meet a girl who is showing off her artwork in a very pedantic way and we find that her boyfriend has left her with what looks like a syphilis laden bite mark. Which she seems completely unconcerned about. We go through Richard getting introduced to the girl’s his reaction is… as stupid as you would expect.
When we hear a cell phone go off, we see Baxter fly into another fit of rage that borders on psychotic. I at least want to believe that this is supposed to come off as funny… somehow… yet, really it is just feels stupid and abusive to me.
We go to a second sex scene that is worse than the first, bite girl from the make-up room dies mid-scene but no one notices and the guy continues to just go to town. She wakes up dead, and I have to stop for a moment… because… the zombie make-up in this movie has to be one of the top five worst I have yet to see. Anyway, she sits up and in aaaaaaa something I have never seen before moment, we have a zombie performing fellatio on someone’s manhood. Annnnd what you think would happen does happen. Peter piper no longer has his pecker, and we watch her chew it for a little longer than was needed.
Cutting to the next day, we go through the entirely same sequence with Guy #1 and Richard all over again all the way up to backing into the car and the juvenile comment Richard makes when they get into the backyard. We see them hang the dead girl’s painting on the wall, and we hear a girl trying to be philosophical who sounds like an idiot. We go to Richard having a discussion about let’s just say, rear entry and the cross dresser wins the conversation proving why he does not take it in the end.
We go to an even more mind numbing moment, when we learn that they are killing off one of the FEMALE characters in the porno by having her have prostate cancer… now they play that it is supposed to be stupid and illogical. Yet, I do not give this movie… that much credit. Anyway… they cut back and forth (badly) between this scene and one of an obvious zombie getting up. We continue cutting back and forth like it is “supposed” to build tension. (Which it doesn’t). Until of course the zombie rips the throat out of the sound guy, then the cross dresser suddenly bites the director, and we hop on over to the make-up room and a girl goes zooombie.
Richard walks in on the pandemonium, and just starts flirting with the dominatrix… completely oblivious to everything going on at first. When he finally realizes that people are eating people he runs out the front door. Then comes back inside with the “Title Line”…”We got Porn Star Zombies out front!” With that we get into the real zombie portion of our evening.
Going forward, Guy #1 ends up in the storage closet with most of the cast as well as the director. Whereas Richard ends up in a bedroom with the dominatrix and the philosophical lesbian, Richard and the two girls have inane conversation. We learn the two girls hate each other for the sub-genre’s of porn. Richard comes up with a plan for them both to get along that is as stupid as it is creative. He finally scores (kind of) with one of the girls, even if it is in the tiniest of ways.
We go into the closet to with the rest of the living and they end up looking for weapons, what do they have for weapons. Mops, Brooms, and wow… I have never seen that used in a zombie movie before. An enema. We go back and forth for awhile between the two parties trying to figure out how to get out of their conundrum until the lesbian is tired of Richard’s eccentricities deciding that it would be better to take her chances with the zombies. (I can’t blame her) This does not last long, because as soon as she opens the door to the room a zombie removes her liver with its fingers.
Hearing her screams, the other group runs out with their weapons. Now, I have to give this one scene is kind of funny though I think it could of been better executed. I do not believe your Zombie Master will ever see another time where zombies are killed with dildos and enemas… They come to find Richard the dominatrix and the girl blocking the way. Now that they have killed all the zombies for the moment they go about cleaning the place out tossing all of the bodies outside while the zombies outside seemingly just watch on.
Moving ahead, since of course no one has a cell phone because of the douche bag director. Richard volunteers to go over to the old couple’s house next door by going through the crawl space. Surprisingly using the crawl space was Richard’s idea.
He gets over there and finds that the old couple are zombies, as the fat old man barfs linguini all over him. Surprisingly he makes it back unscathed, getting back in by breaking a window. Well… we hear the sound of a breaking window but see no broken glass. Yet, that is besides the point. Once back, of course they are saying that someone there MUST have slept with someone from the cast. So… they all sit down and start the ever popular game who did what with who for how many cookies. The director is of course obstinate about it. We suddenly get some more zombie action with another zombie taking another chunk out of Baxter Dalton, and then one actress across the room killing another. These zombies are quickly dispatched and they go back to who played with who’s Slip & Slide. Guy #1 has made it very clear by now that he thinks zombieism is an *irritated* STD…
After that bought of what the figgery, we get them trying to figure out how to escape the house. They decide the best way would be for all but one of them to stay in a room while someone else lures all the zombies into the house. Richard being the strangely valiant hero volunteers for the mission again, he has a semi-romantic moment with the dominatrix which he of course completely destroys. Once he gets all the zombies into the house, the rest of the humans pop out like a slap stick comedy. Baxter runs past them and tries to drive off, yet we hear the squeal of tires and out pops director zombie.
We see Guy #1 and dominatrix run in the direction of the car… HOWEVER… they decide to stay on foot. They get to the convenience store where Richard kept buying condoms, and of course the clerk is a zombie. Going down a city sidewalk, they come up and see a horde of zombies… one problem with this… They are ALL using the sidewalk, not a single ONE in the street. It is like as long as you stay on the street you’ll be safe. In the final painful moments of this movie, we get them coming to a conclusion, a painful one, an outdated one, but a conclusion none-the-less. Anyone you have had coital relations with you have bi proxy had the same relations with everyone that they have also danced in the sheets with… so it would seem these two are figged. So… yeah. The zombie apocalypse in this movie… is… an… STD.
We have this hammered home in the final scene after the credits, where we hear Richard up hiding in the crawl space of the house. The virgin is the only one to survive. Oi!
My final thoughts… on Porn Star Zombies. This is a great concept, and it could have been a lot better movie if it had been acted better, edited better, and a lot of things… well. better. Take the director Baxter Dalton for example; if they had not played him as an unhinged board line psychotic megalomaniac his part would have been funny. However, the way they played him he comes off as someone who kills puppies and new born children in his spare time. Another thing is that though we are with Guy #1 throughout the entire movie we never learn his name, it MAY have been mentioned off handedly… however I did not catch it. Richard was just two over the toply stupid, and the rest were just fodder overall. I would love to see this movie rewritten and better executed. Then there is the fact that they choose to make it in black & white which REALLY does not help, it felt like the black and white was only used to make the blood effects cheaper… And finally the zombie apocalypse being an STD made it seem a LOT like some religious propaganda film that was promoting abstinence only education. Which was certainly different but just seemed like poor writing to me, as it stands now you’re better off letting this one stay unwatched. It will be a waste of your time. Overall your Zombie Master believes Porn Star Zombies would only be found funny if you were stoned, in a college fraternity house, or both.
Annnnnnnnnnd Fade to Black
Never go without a condom, Know what to wear to look great in the zombie apocalypse, Always remember your enema, and Remember Horror Never DIES!
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