If you survive the -War of the Zombies- this maybe your -Warning Sign- that you are going to be listening to Zombie Master review Bled White


{Scene One}


Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to dance at the end of the world while Reviewing the 2009 movie Bled White. We open up on a credits sequence interspersed with a military truck, as we go through the credits we see them drive through empty streets with snow covered farmland and other such. However, it is interesting to note that the snow plows are still running, since the streets are completely devoid of snow. At the end of our credit sequence, we see them drop off a crate that we know really nothing of then we are off into our movie for the night. We meet Ed and Matt, two guys who make me think that they belong more in Goodfellas than in a zombie movie. We hear them talking of turning around, as not many people are around these days. We cut to what I can only call a section card, which tells us that this part is called “Tea or Coffee?”.

With that we see them almost run over a guy. His name is Joe, and he was running from what they call the zombies in this movie “Those Things”. He and his girlfriend Natalie got separated.  Joe is so thankful, he says he was lucky that they found him. However, when Matt says they were hunting, he points out that he has not seen any deer. Ut oh… it would seem they were hunting a more dangerous prey, as Ed turns while driving and shoots Joe in the face.  Now, I have to add have they ever seen pulp fiction? I mean, come on!

The one problem with this in my opinion is how the hemp are they going to clean the car? It is freezing; everyone has mentioned it by this point. Ed is not using the heater because he does not want to use any more fuel. Would you want blood and brain frozen all over the inside of your back seat?! I know I wouldn’t.

Anyway… We cut and come in on Ed and Matt having set up camp, they have a fire and a tea kettle on. Ed gets philosophical, saying how the human race is dead, and that people have to be like knives at this point. Knives have one purpose, to cut. People must now have one purpose, to survive. I agree. He does this all the while cutting up Joe, we see his guts fall out and blood dripping in the snow. Matt asks him if Ed would like Tea or Coffee… Yet, how I hear it is would you like tea… or a cup of Joe. Matt hears snapping of twigs and everything gets tense for a moment. I have to say this scene is very well done, the tension is built well and other low budget independent films I have watched could learn a good bit from this.


{Scene two}


With that we awkwardly cut to a woman looking out a window, and we meet Mary and Sam. We get another section card that says “Line on the Floor”. We see that Sam will not talk to Mary, yet she talks to him and all he does is look at her. Ed and Matt pull up outside, and it would seem deliver a bag of Joe. Mary tells them that she will not be needing their services anymore as her and Sam will be leaving tomorrow. She tells them that they know where to find their payment, and drags the bag of Joe inside. Going to Sam again she asks for help and tells him that she is telling Victor that they are leaving. He finally speaks, but she puts her foot down saying that they have to go or they will die.

Sam refuses to help, so we see her drag the bag upstairs… and… oi… yeah. She goes and starts feeding their zombie son.  I am sorry people, but when the apocalypse happens, family ties must die when people do. It is one to the head. Repeat it with me, there is no cure, one to the head make them DEAD! Anyway… Mary feeds Joe to Victor telling him that they have to leave while we see Sam sit outside the door listening. We see a few more scenes, then Sam take the keys to Victor’s room off the table while Mary sleeps. He goes up and talks to Victor… of course as if he was alive and in the act of utmost stupidity says how they will find a cure. He falls to the ground and we see dun… dun… dun… Chalk line on the floor that he looks at.

We cut to morning and Mary is ready to go except for saying goodbye to Victor because they (I am assuming they is anyone with even a fourth of a brain) will kill him if they try to take him with them. They get upstairs to say good bye standing in front of the line, however Sam starts taking steps back away from the line… and I think you can guess where it goes from there. Victor rips off part of Mary’s face, and we see her get eaten by her *eye roll in voice* son… *end eye roll* Sam runs out of the room and the house, and throws the chalk into the yard then comes in and cover his ears trying to not her his wife’s scream as she dies a horrible death… Now I have to ask myself, how did he make that line without getting eaten? Because if Victor was able to eat Mary from there he certainly would have been able to eat Sam sitting there with the piece of chalk drawing out that little line… Anyway… Moving on.


{Scene Three}


With that we cut back to Matt and Ed, going backward in time it would seem as we see them picking up their payment which we see is canned goods they have a conversation about eating human flesh. Ed makes it very clear, there is no way he would do that like Sam & Mary… it would seem our Goodfellas are oblivious to the fact that they are feeding a zombie. With that they get on the road and we get another section card which simply says Melissa. As they drive along they see a lone zombie. Matt is curious, because some guy named Paul it would seem told them that the zombies in this movie hunt in packs. They decide to get out of the car to have a little fun, and I can see nooooo way this could go wrong… They bet a can of mixed fruit that Matt can take out the zombie in one shot with a rifle, he just wounds it and they walk up and he realizes he had dated the guy’s sister… After shooting it they bend down to look and we get our first real taste of zombie action… and they make rule number one five minutes too late. Never get too far from the car then they get chased by the zombies, and the make-up on them is good. Ed gets to the car, Matt jumps in the window and really it was one of those moments you couldn’t be sure whether one of them would survive or not, even if Matt’s running through the snow was comical. They get back to their hotel and we meet Paul, who is a figging douche nugget it would seem. After they pay him, Paul’s wife Amanda comes out.

She is a very attractive older woman, who you have to ask yourself why she ended up marrying a troll like Paul, you can tell her and Matt are flirting in front of her husband. Paul insists that Matt call her Mrs. Valerio which he does with a smirk. We follow him back outside; where he meets up with Ed who says he is going to be leaving. Yet, Matt does not believe him. We go into Matt’s room and learn he is completely figging loony, having a figging zombie handcuffed and leg shackled IN HIS SHOWER! Like… ok… I can be kinky, I can be extremeeeely kinky. However, that is a little too far even for my taste. We go over to Ed, and he watches a tape of Melissa and cries quietly for awhile.

After that we cut to another section card saying “Left”, and we find ourselves with Natalie and Joe… annnd this goes through my head. {Song Clip – Meat Sandwich by GWAR} We see them talk and laugh but only for a moment then the moments gone when they get chased out of the house. We see Joe fall, and learn how he and Natalie got separated. We see her happen upon the camp where Ed and Matt were cutting a piece of Joe for Victor, and learn that the snapping twigs earlier was Natalie. She hides but gets a good look at both Ed and Matt, she leaves and we see her walking down a street when we get one the most non-sequitur moments of any zombie movie I have ever seen. A big man comes walking in her direction. He does not speak. When she asks him if he has any food or anything… he pulls out a balloon and blows it up for her. They laugh, and he leaves… that is it. The whole scene. To say it was confusing and out of nowhere would be an understatement. The thing that bothers me though more than anything is that the balloon was floating… he blew it up with a hand pump. It should NOT float. Physics people… physics.


{Scene Four}


Moving forward we get another scene card saying “Armed and Dangerous”, we see Amanda getting all dolled up while her husband goes about cataloging the supplies. We see her leave passing right by him without him even noticing, she gets into Matt’s room and they start making out. That is until she hears growling from the bathroom (the zombies in this movie growl), she accuses Matt of cheating… well… isn’t that a drunk calling a stoner a drug addict? She slaps him and he tells her go ahead, meet his friend, just do not get too close. When she opens the door to the bathroom, Matt’s pet zombie lunges out at her and it freaks her out… but it would seem not too much as they go about having sex anyway while the zombie looks on from the floor (Exhibitionism much?). We go to it being morning and Matt waking up, he goes outside and finds the car… and Ed are gone. He runs into the office of the motel and wakes up Paul… I would say not the smartest idea when his wife is still asleep in your bed. He finds out that Ed left early in the morning leaving some canned goods and a letter for Matt.

We get a voice over of the letter that lets us know that Ed left to find Melissa… the problem being we find out in Matt’s shocked state that Melissa is just a girl on a five year old video tape that they found in the street. (Is anybody sane in this movie?) While Matt is standing in his state of shock, first Paul takes the canned goods saying they’ll be payment for next week, then finds that Amanda is missing. Matt is still in shock when Paul asks him if he knows where his wife is… Matt slips and tells him that she is in his bed. Coming to his senses, he runs to tell Amanda that they need to get the heck out of dodge. Well… it would seem Amanda had to tinkle and Matt’s little zombie friend made a main course of her (I would have gone outside even if I was a woman). He loses it and starts trying to drown the zombie. When Paul comes in, he sees this scene and is all “I am going to kill you” about it (understandably). Matt gets knocked to the ground in a really kind of funny moment when Paul starts heaving canned goods into his back telling him he is going to die today.

When he runs out of cans he picks up a folding table… Yet, Matt in a smart move takes the zombie and pushes it into Paul’s neck, going out dancing around saying… “I’m alive!” and this goes through my head {Song Clip – I’m Alive from Xanandu}


{Scene Five}


We cut over to Ed putting gas in the car, and we get another section card. We learn this next one is *confused voice* “Flowers from Brazil” */Confused voice* OOOOOoook… We see Ed passing by Sam and Mary place, seeing that they have not left yet he goes to check it out. Getting out of the car, he pulls out his gun (Smart Crazy Man). He walks into the house seeing the place is in a shambles, he goes up stairs and meets Victor, and we see a finger lying on the ground. He comes back out of Victor’s little room and sees Sam going through the house, he follows him outside. When Ed catches up to Sam, they have a conversation that can be summed up very simply as. “Hi my friend I am crazy what are you doing here?” “Oh! Well that sucks, but guess what I am crazy too just in a whole different way!” Ed decides he is not going to kill Sam, even though he thought that all his zombie son needed was a good old fashioned hug to cure him. Also Sam believes that there has to be a flower in Brazil that holds the cure… Ummm… You ‘re not Sean Connery, and this isn’t Medicine Man. Anyway, instead of killing Sam like he should he chains him to a chair in Victor’s room. Sam starts to change and Ed leaves, we end this little section with him looking at the videotape of Melissa… ahh… so much crazy.

Being done with that, we cut to balloon man about to get eaten by a pack of biters. They suddenly stop and we get our section card, this section is “Dying in a corner at the end of the world.” Anyway, we see a balloon come down and fascinate the zombies… we see that it is Natalie who saved balloon man, and then the pack decides she looks tastier… Balloon man gets away and we never see him again.


{Scene Six}


Going forward, we see Natalie get trapped in a barn, she searches around, stumbles over a pile of hay and ends up stabbing Matt who seemingly had been sleeping in it. She is extremely apologetic… annnnd seemingly does not realize who he is. We see Matt tell her to eat him when he dies, to which she refuses. After that we spend a bit of time with her watching as Matt slowly dies, she tires of it and screams at Matt to go ahead and die. He complies. We cut to Ed pulling up to the farmland; he goes into the silos looking for grain to eat. Not a bad idea, then he has to take out a couple of walkers, goes into the barn meets Natalie and finds that Matt is dead. He is understandably upset, he buries Matt and then goes on his way and Natalie comes with him and we get our next section card saying “The Last Supper”.

With that we see Ed and Natalie drive up seeing the crate from the beginning of the movie, which we find out was the supply truck dropping off provisions. They go about opening what looks to be stewed tomatoes, and eating them in the middle of the street… I mean really. You are in zombie town and you feast in the middle of the street? (I could never be that hungry) Shortly a bunch of other people show up and they continue feasting… and exactly what you would expect to happen does happen when a zombie horde shows up and there is a blood bath. Everyone dies, except Ed and Natalie who end up driving off… Yet, the car runs out of gas they walk away zombie horde chasing them while they holding hands, but then start running at a full sprint and our movie ends.


{Final Thoughts}


Well… what are Zombie Master’s thoughts on this one. It is a great indie film; there is a big difference between independent zombie movies and Hollywood ones. They really cannot be put in the same category, I love them both and there are just as many good and bad ones of both types. However, this one does certainly fit the bill as a great independent zombie film, the tension is built up perfectly, the characters focus is on more than just a feast of the dead. I also love how it unapologetically never tells you why they are zombies or even how it started. Too many movies try to give you so much back story on the virus that you are left asking yourself where the meat of the movie was, not this one. It got to the heart of the matter… The people from moment one and did not stray. Overall, I would say find this one, watch it and enjoy.


Annnnnd Fade to Black!




Never eat in the street, Always keep your friends close, Know not to bone your landlord’s wife, and Remember Horror Never DIES!


Find more episodes of Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies on iTunes and leave a review, or you can find more at HellisFull.net

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