Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Twenty Six ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

-Terror Creatures from the Grave- spoil the -Tombs of the Blind Dead- after the -Zombie Holocaust- while Zombie Master reviews the 2007 movie Awaken the Dead.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to break your will and review Awaken the Dead. Getting into the credits, I have to stop and say the CGI city that we roll through during the first half of the credits is done so badly, that at first I thought it was one of those short CGI clips they use for the company to start out low budget DVDs. That does not bode well, going on with the credits. We go from terrible CGI to stock footage of a broken down city in somewhere U.S.A. is all I can figure.

Shortly we meet our first character of the evening Christopher or as I will call him for the majority of this review Priest. A man waking up with a bottle of whiskey on his night stand looking like he killed half of it the night before. Christopher’s alarm clock going off ends our credit music, and we see that he got an envelope. Jumping to Mary our female character for the evening, she wakes up in much the same way, only she has a glass of wine on her table and tries to ignore the alarm. She has also gotten a letter that says “Stay in the house, I will be there soon.” OOOOO… Spooky…

Going back to Christopher, we learn… that he’s a priest. Well, a drunk priest it would seem, and those two things are his main defining character traits for most of the movie hence why I shall just call him Priest. Jumping ahead a bit, he goes into a house and almost gets a bat to the head from Mary. We learn that he used to work for her father, and she does not believe him (I mean would you, a strange man just shows up in your house and says “your father sent me here”) Yeah… even a eight year old would be leery of that line, that’s like… Hey little girl, wanna get in my van? I’ve got some cannndy. She makes it rather clear she wants him to leave, and he goes about making coffee. She let’s Priest know she got a letter as well… because that explains why she can’t leave. It seems we are dealing with a couple of lap dogs this evening…

Going outside, we see two -sarcasm- school girls –end sarcasm- get crop dusted, and act like their eyes burn. My problems are, number one these so called school girls look more like two twenty-five year olds dressed up to go to a porn shoot than two girls coming home from school… number two being that they were not even able to act like their eyes were burning very well.

(Shout Out ~ http://NightmareAtGravityHill.com/)

 

{Scene Two}

 

Jumping ahead a little, Mary looks out the window and we find out that Priest has four slashed tires. Surprise… Surprise… Surprise. We also get the unknown man in black taking notes. We get a knock at the door and a huge man barges in, who Mary can only get to leave after placing a very large sword to his manhood. We get some exposition, and learn after a sob story that he was her former pimp. We get one of the better lines of the movie at this point, with Priest, saying he does not believe in violence, and Mary telling him that she does not believe in taxes but she still has to pay them. We get another knock at the door. Thinking it is Big Man again, Mary opens the door furious sword still in hand. It happens that it is two Jehovah’s Witnesses who look like they just wet themselves. Priest explains that they were acting out a scene from the Old Testament in one of the very few actually funny moments of the movie.

With that scene over just as quickly as it began, we are now with Big Man in the car, he pulls a gun out of the glove box looking like he’s going to go take his revenge. However, then we see the two -sarcasm- school girls –end sarcasm- from earlier and so does he… when they turn around, they take a bite of crime and even unknown man has to vomit watching them devour Big Man’s entrails.

It would seem that they eat him till it’s night and we are back inside with the not so dynamic duo, as we get some dull conversation where Priest makes it clear he is not a virgin and was not always a priest.

(Shout Out – http://Store.HyperionClothing.com/)

 

{Scene Three}

 

Moving ahead a few not needed scenes, we see Mary wake up, then find nothing, then we get our first expected jump scare of the evening with growling and banging on the windows. When Priest comes in we get our first shot of the zombie horde for the evening, and frankly the make-up is good but I am not overly impressed. Of course even though Priest learns that the glass is bulletproof, of course Mary had left a window cracked. *exasperated* Even though… they had a huge man threaten them both earlier in the day… *end exasperated* So, of all the zombies we saw out the window which one gets in… Take a quick guess…  I’ll give you a moment. If you said the most expected one, the big man from earlier now a zombie. You are OF COURSE right, after all why would it be anything unexpected?

Once Mary kills the big man zombie, Priest sees that he is cold and has been dead for hours. They go over the oh so common place… “BUT, the dead don’t walk” conversation. That I really think could be left out of so many a movie. I mean, anyone who has watched two or three GOOD zombie movies has certainly seen one of these types of scenes or some variant of it. Give it a rest…

 

{Scene Four}

 

Going from night time and some random person becoming zombie fodder, then quickly to daytime and seeing unknown man watch a kid ride past on his bike being chased by zombies. Interestingly, unknown man is not getting attacked by the zombies. It is kind of rare in any zombie movie to have someone just observing… anyway… There is another knock on the door and it is one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses from earlier. His name is Stan, and all that goes through my head is this {Play Clip – Lexx – “Stanley Tweedle Security Guard, Class 4”} Not that it is likely many people will get that one. Stanley was up in a tree all night watching the carnage and canvassing the neighborhood. Not that it really matters because no one really listens to him anyway.

We get a couple of new visitors outside at the back door, and the man takes out both of the original schoolgirl zombies and Priest lets them in. No checking them out, no checking for bites, I mean nothing; this guy will not even give up his gun. This new guy seems to be the most testosterone filled sewer spew that they could make him. These next few scenes pretty much can be summed up in. Stanley stay here, Priest and I need to talk. We see guy’s girl is bit. Commotion… What’s going on? Priest knocks guy down takes his gun. Stan watch them! Mary and I need to talk. They find a disk that shows that it is bio-chemical warfare, and then Priest and Mary go about having sexual relations. Girl becomes zombie eats her boyfriend’s face. Yeah… that was twenty minutes of this pile of nonsense.

(Shout Out – http://TheDarkeningMovie.com/)

 

{Scene Five}

 

Once that is all over they decide to leave… *exasperated sarcasm* the impenetrable house… because… they are… playing someone else’s… game… I have heard of some STUPID plans in my time as Zombie Master. However, this one seems to take to the cake at this point. I mean… really… you are going to leave somewhere that has enough supplies for who KNOW how LONG, and was made to be an invincible fortress?!? Because you think you are playing someone else’s game… */exasperated sarcasm*  Oi Vey. Anyway… they decide they need weapons, and just as conveniently find a large stash of guns and other such behind the desk in the office.

Seeing a woman get ripped apart Priest goes Rambo (unlimited ammo included) and goes about taking out everything until he almost gets overpowered, at which point Mary and Stan drag him in, and he has officially lost an eye making him look even more a stereotype. yay…

We get Priests’ back story, and more of Mary’s back story as well… yet their stories are so stereotypical that you feel like you have not learned anything. Getting ready to leave, they find that her car is dead as well… annnnnnnd… of course another letter. Jeremiah, her father, Priest’s mentor wants them to meet him at the old church. Yeah… they really just call it the old church. We couldn’t even get enough creativity for him to be at sayyyy The Chapel of St. Fiacre or something… anything… other than… The Old Church. Yet… what should I expect. (and yes, that is a real saint it took about two second to look up… It’s the patron Saint of venereal disease suffers, as well as gardeners and cab drivers oddly enough…) Moving on…

 

{Scene Six}

 

Annnnd away they go from their fortified stronghold, into the great outdoors. However, at least they do it in style, everyone even Stanley gets to have one epic shot walking out of the house wearing sun glasses. {Play Clip – CSI Miami – Yeeeeeeaaaahhhh} Along the way they pick up another party member, yet she is not even important enough for us to learn her name. We see unknown man following them, and Priest goes about circling back and confronting unknown man. We learn only that he is “a company man” as Priest calls him, then lets him go after learning that… *sarcasm* Oh… My… Everyone Priest has killed was already dead… */sarcasm*

After quickly getting back with the rest of the group they almost instantly get to the old church… Suddenly having to stop as they see just below them the zombie horde, as they start backing up we see a man on top of the church that we can only surmise is Jeremiah, Mary’s Father and Priest’s mentor. He shoots at their feet to bring the zombie camp towards them, well… isn’t he special. Running for the door, the unnamed addition to their group gets eaten and Stan almost does too. Once inside Stanley grows a pair and decides to hold back the horde as long as he can and they give him their guns. Just as they get to Jeremiah, they hear shooting then silence.

Jeremiah then tells them they all would have been safe there because these irradiated towers or some such… will keep the zombies away… Now I will say… that is a new one. We learn that this man used his own daughter, and the man who looked at him like a father as guinea pigs in his own experiment. As they go back and forth, we also see a hand turning off the irradiation generators. The zombie horde spills in, Priest takes Jeremiah’s gun letting him get devoured, and they leave. Unknown man comes in a short time later, we get some exposition that we really did not need, and he shoots the already dying Jeremiah…

We jump to a plane crop dusting the area again, and all the zombies falling down… which could have been the end… which should have been the end. Oh… why couldn’t you be the end. Yet, we get a card that says “Days Later…” (At least it’s not 28) We see a single zombie eye looking like it’s walking, then we cut to Priest and Mary lying against a tree watching people, then to unknown man aiming his gun then lowering it for no reason… and immediately cut to the credits…

Usually this would be where I would end, yet… the best thing in movie is at the verrrry verrrry end of the credits where it says “No zombies real or imagined where harmed in the making of this motion picture.”

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

What can say about steaming pile of lice infected boxer shorts… I can say it’s not the worst zombie movie I’ve ever seen. However, coming from Zombie Master, that is NOT really a compliment by any MEANS. First, pretty much the entire movie is done in Sepia color mode with a film grain too it. Like someone thought that they were being OH so edgy, avant garde and it would look all rough that way. When really, it’s just obnoxious, and looks like a cheap way to make the zombie effects look a little bit better. Yet, the color does NONE of those things, just makes the entire look of the movie seem annoying and pretentious. A great deal of the acting is poor at best, and what gets them to leave the house is worse than the reasoning in the remake of Dawn of the Dead. When one of the best things in the movie is the somewhat mediocre humor line they put at the end of the credits. Then, it is in no way a movie I can suggest you waste an hour and forty minutes on. Stay away! Stay FARRRR away, as this one is a good reason for me to start drinking BEFORE reviewing some of these!

Annnnnnnnnd… Fade to Black!

 

{Outro}

 

Always keep the windows locked, Know zombies cannot climb, Never trust the government, and Remember Horror NEVER Dies!

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