Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Thirty Nine ~ Text Review / Script ~ Movie Review

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

If you are being chased by -Fast Zombies with Guns- you’ll need to turn off the -Pop Punk Zombies- music and get tuned into Zombie Master reviewing Santa Claus Vs. The Zombies

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to give you a holiday treat,so  he will be reviewing Santa Clause Vs. The Zombies from 2012. (*Correction* 2010) Buuut before we get to it, we need to get to our little score board in this undead match-up. Strippers are at ONE while this is the first week for Santa… so we will see if we get it all tied up.

We open up with a cute little title sequence. Throughout we meet our cast of characters, Phil the henpecked husband, his annoying wife, his equally annoying preppy daughter, and her jock boyfriend Todd. His other daughter Cass is brought home by her Principal because she made a stink bomb in chemistry class that exploded on him. We are already getting the set up for the zombies in this one with people talking of attacks. His wife just makes me want to stab her… repeatedly… after she talks of getting Cass plastic surgery when she turns sixteen because brains just are not enough. There is another ring of the doorbell and we meet Phil’s in-laws, who are even more annoying than their daughter.

His in-laws do not think he is doing a good enough for their daughter, and his father-in-law tries repeated to talk him into just coming to work for him. He also makes fun of his own daughter’s cooking… with that they bring Cass down from her room, and we see that they paid to have a Santa and his three elves come and everyone takes turns getting their pictures taken with him. Have I mentioned yet… how painfully bad the acting is… yes… painful… Not that I was expecting it to be great with a movie like this. Yet, I thought the acting might be better than this is. OW!

Phil and Cass have a cute father daughter moment, and then we move onto family dinner with Santa. We learn Todd is on the drug that has been making people go zombie from the sound of it and of course no one is worried about it. Phil’s father-in-law makes a racist joke… and thinks himself to be really funny. (He’s not) We go to Cass talking with Santa and his elves. While an extremely fake fire burns (like something you would buy at Wal-Mart) burns in the background. They go over what they do when they are not acting, and the third elf says he really IS an elf… HHHmmm…One of the elves makes one of the only really funny jokes in this movie (at least to an adult) and we move forward.

Jumping ahead a little Phil’s father-in-law Dick proves that he certainly earned his name. When he tells Phil that he bought his company out from under him by buying the loan from the bank, and pretty much starts telling him what to do from moment one. Dick acts like he did him a huge favor… when he did not want to work for the guy in the first place. Phil does what I believe ANYONE should and would do in that situation. Throws his in-laws out of his house on Christmas Day. Good going Phil… the two funniest parts about this are: One. how terrible the fake almost CGI looking snow is and Two. when Phil hands them their coats after throwing them out they are chased and killed by zombies. Which makes me happy.

 

{Scene Two}

 

Finally done with the whole family togetherness portion of the movie (Thankfully…) we get zombies at the doors and breaking through the windows. Santa and his elves come down and we see the normal board the doors and windows routine. Except that Santa ends up falling outside with the zombies for a moment and for some odd reason they do not eat him… just give him his hat back… we also learn that these zombies talk.

Popping ahead a little, Dave the elf tries to talk Santa into believing that he is the REAL Santa Claus… We learn Dave the Elf is quite crazy and “plays the role” of a drunk nine months out of the year. We have one of the worst… and funniest effects of the movie as Phil opens the door interrupting this little bit of crazy. The sound effect for the door… I kid you not…*more unbelieving tone* is from AOL… I wish I was joking… they use the sound of someone signing to AIM… for him opening the door. There are no words.

Going on… we get Santa and the Elves going downstairs with Cass to check on a noise. What do they find? The Mad Hatter from Hell… who looks like a cross between the Wishmaster and Leprechaun (just to clarify, not a Leprechaun… the Leprechaun from the movies of the same name.) it makes no sense, has no bearing the rest of the movie, and swings a sledge hammer wildly. Of course Santa, Cass and the Elves are able to take him down and we move on neeever to mention it again.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Suddenly… EXACTLY thirty minutes into the movie we jump over to a secure command bunker where the President is talking with one of his Generals. Now… you know if it was not so far into the movie, this would not be so jarring. Yet, it is just… boom. We are with the President. No foreshadowing, No leading up. It makes you feel like suddenly they decided to make a different movie out of no where…

We learn how the zombie happened in this movie; it was a diet pill. Once it is in the cells it takes over and kills the host, but the cells need protein so the cells reanimate and look for food. You know… from such a bad movie… it is one of the more realistic and feasible reasonings I have ever heard for zombies. Kind of sad really… there always seems to be one bright shining diamond in some of the rather bad ones. Anyway… The President’s daughter comes in and we learn she is a spoiled brat then we have a Day of the Dead reference in one of the zombies being named Bub. After a bunch of mostly useless and unneeded information we move on from all of this underground bunker stuff for now.

We finally connect our two camps with a Ham radio operator getting a hold of Dave the elf… who tells him he is a real elf. Soooo… he asks if there is anyone else to talk to. (I would too.) We hop ahead, and see them experimenting on one of the zombies. We learn that these zombies are VERY different from ones in other movies. They retain more of their intelligence, as they put it one who is more well read may retain the ability to talk and other things… whereas the stupid, just get stupider. What you are in life, you are in death. I think that would end up with a lot of just stupid zombies overall. Yet, it is an interesting concept none-the-less.

We also learn that these zombies are hurt by any form of light… so they are vampire zombies or something… Oi… (Well… at least they don’t sparkle) The scientists reiterate repeatedly that they will adapt to this.

 

{Scene Four}

 

Moving back to the Reindeer Village, we see Phil talk to the radio operator who lets him know… as he already should of known… that Todd is already dead just up around talking. Didn’t they already talk of how he had been taking the drug? Did they not see HORDES of zombies outside? How stupid can you be?! Of course… as soon as they realize this… and go about getting ready to quarantine him, Todd bites Phil’s preppy daughter. Phil takes it surprisingly well… just kind of like “oh… she got bit… by her zombie boyfriend. Darn.”

We jump back to Camp David, and see the President go about planning to save Santa and company to boost public moral. Personally, I think if in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, the leader of my country thought saving SANTA Claus was a good use of manpower, I would lose moral… I guess I would just hope he was not the one I voted for… anyway… moving on…

We go back to Christmas Town… and we see what a despicable, loathsome creature Phil’s wife is… she is distraught because their daughter got bit and is locked in the basement (Understandable). Unforgivably… she says that Cass is his daughter and why couldn’t she have gotten bit instead… now… here is the thing. Cass is sitting next to her when she says this. I want her to die, and after a few jumping back and forth moments between Air Farce One and Whoville, I get my wish. Since it would seem Phil’s wife is even stupider than she looks… Being able to be talked into opening a door for her zombie daughter and the zombie Todd… *sighs* anyway… thankfully Phil’s wife is now dead. No one mourns.

 

{Scene Five}

 

Hopping ahead Santa and Cass are confronted by the family zombies, just as they are coming at them… Santa tries to use… his magic. (My head hurts), somehow it works… that somehow is that the government is “accidently” bombing the people it is supposed to be trying to save. Yeeeaaaaahh… Though they did blow up the zombies. So. I don’t know. I guess, I got to give them something… but also… now Santa REALLY believes he IS Santa. One of the worst non-sound effects of the movie… is the smoke. I kid you not, the dust and smoke while they being bombed. Looks like it was painted into the movie with MS Paint… badly.

Once we hop back to Star Fleet Headquarters, we see the President learn that they are bombing the people that they are trying to save. We see his top general giving looks to other people, that to me say… I am douche, I did this… let’s not let the President know. Going back to Santa we see one of the elves we never really knew… is dead. After that brief moment, where for once everyone mourns and has appropriate reactions to the situation. Then we are back with Fearless Leader, one of the General’s men gives away that they planned it… because doing something as stupid as saving a mall Santa seemed like a very bad military decision and quite frankly, I agree. We bounce to Santa’s group trying to fix the ham radio, sadly they all go about it for a bit until Cass points out… it’s unplugged… annnd we move on.

Now back with President what’s his name? We see him try to relive the General of command. The issue… when he does, all the soldiers with guns jump and start pointing their guns at each other. At this point, I have to stop for a moment… *sigh* The so called elite squad of soldiers look more like kids who have played video games a bit too much as they awkwardly point their guns at each other, and the General just reminds me of an annoyed King Koopa. After that little standoff, the President does not arrest the General, just lets him roam free… Methinks the President is a moron. Going on… Now that they have learned that Santa is still alive, they decide to go about the rescue mission again. Yet… we just stop for a moment and listen to Santa and the radio operator have a heart to heart talk.

After which, we see them planning for the new strike to rescue Santa and the gang but before they can do anything… in this movie’s wonderful way of going nowhere. We have the General come in and take over… by force (Didn’t see that coming…) and then go about sending the President to his death. Yet, before that can happen, the one military man that is on the President’s side takes out the two taking them outside to be killed.

Now… my two biggest problems with this scene, are first the action sequences are sped up in a way that is done worse than Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and second is that the sound effects are horrid. I swear I have heard better sound effects in early nineties fighting games. It really is… that bad. I have never heard a crowbar slice through the air like a sword before, and when I thought that was the worst… it gets worse… the next fight sequence has video game music throughout… at that point, the General runs into a zombie infested room that includes the President’s now zombie daughter. However, thankfully… they leave and go to get Santa.

 

{Scene Six}

 

Finally entering the home stretch on this little abomination of a movie… We jump back to Santa, Phil, Cass and the rest working out their plan to escape when the President comes to save them. They have to go six miles, and they building a gun for Santa… to shoot Beanie Babies out of. Yes folks, I just said… Santa Claus is going to be fighting zombie by shooting what they call “Mini-Buddies” or what they really are Beanie Babies. Now… normally I would think this is pretty awesome. However, in a hour and forty minute movie that has only had two zombie kills and they where vaporized by bad CGI… annnd this is the last ten minutes, I am not seeing any real chance of this being a good thing… Moving on…

It is FUN seeing Santa carrying a giant air gun. They go outside and in a scene that defies explanation… we jump ahead the six miles and they suddenly get to the so called high school and the name… on the building… has to have been done in Microsoft Paint…

Santa and the troupes go inside, and they seemingly have not encountered a single zombie along the way. Now… the Principal comes out and they have conversation with the zombie Principal harking back to the beginning of this movie with Cass being in trouble. Suddenly… the entire town worth of zombies comes out after them, Santa runs out of air for his gun… So, Dave the elf puts on Christmas music and it somehow keeps the zombies from attacking… instead… they all start taking turns on Santa’s lap. He sends Phil and Cass off to the roof while they keep the horde waiting…

As Cass and Phil as well the President wait for Santa and his elves, we see Cass run when she sees someone trying to get out the door they blocked. *exasperated tone* Of course… it is Phil’s father-in-law… OF COURSE they fight until Santa and his two elves show up and shoot the father-in-law in the butt and they laugh, joke, and then finally leave the roof.

And the movie is over… thankfully.

{Final Thoughts}

 

Well… the first thing I can say is that it is still Strippers 1, Christmas 0… as for my final thoughts. This is a children’s movie, if you are looking for a children’s movie that involves Santa and zombies this is kind of it. There is NO BLOOD, no death (really), no biting, no gore, not much anything… It is though way too long, coming in at an hour and forty minutes, when if they had trimmed it down to an hour, maybe an hour ten it might have been a cute little movie.

It is has a lot of moments that I think a young child would find funny or “scary” but not in an adult scary kind of way. I can say, as an adult this is a one watch movie if that. The acting is kind of what you would expect from a Lifetime Movie, or a Sci-Fi original movie, or one of the Disney channel original things. The premise is kind of fun, but there really is nothing for an adult to enjoy overall. On the other hand, like I said above if you have young kids you might want to give this one a look, as far as I can remember there is not even a single curse word in this… So… there it is if you’ve got kids and want to bring zombies into the holidays this one might be for you… otherwise only check it out if you are an obsessed zombie fan… Like… Your. Zombie Master.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnd Fade to Black.

 

{Outro}

 

Always be naughty, Never be nice, Know the smell of liquor on an elf’s breath, and Remember Horror Never Dies!

Find more episodes of Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies on iTunes (and leave a review), or you can go to HellisFull.net

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Tux Zombie 2013 7 J at 12:06 am

As the retarded zombie in the tux who did the very quizzical head turning, this movie was horrible, but I got great enjoyment out of laughing at it.

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Axe-Wielding Alex 2013 3 J at 7:53 am

I just finished watching this film. It was atrocious, but I actually enjoyed it . . . somehow. (Perhaps it was the whiskey . . .)

Reply

Zombie Master 2013 3 J at 11:38 am

Yessss… *laughs* I do believe Whiskey or some other strong beverage might the only way to truly enjoy this movie.

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