Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Twenty Two ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

When you ignore the -Warning Sign- that says -Don’t Go into the House- you may just enter -The Gates of Hell- and find it’s full. So, now you must listen to Zombie Master Review the Zombie Diaries.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to rock your world, and today I will be reviewing The Zombie Diaries released in 2006. Opening up we get army men doing army things, shouting orders, running, point guns, walking on their little green bases, anyway… It looks like they are going onto a farm… OH GOD a farm… ehh… ehhh… ehhhhh… I am having The Walking Dead: The Search for Sophia PTSD. Calm… Calm… Ok… Ok… back… back, back to where I was, after finishing out this scene with our little army friends, we turn the page for another smattering of Credits! As we go through said Credits, we get sound bites of news reports and little bits of interviews thrown inbetween a montage of people walking around. *deadpan* how original… this does not bode well… */deadpan*

 

{Scene Two}

 

Closing the book on the Credits for this time, we get a black background, with  (Diary 1 – “The Outbreak”) in the corner, because we cannot figure it out otherwise. Coming in we meet Vanessa a blond reporter who is interviewing a school teacher who tells her that after the government closed down the school, it also quarantined anyone who was infected. However, this really is not important to anything at all in this movie.

Jumping to filming the skyline we start meeting the people of diary one… and oh great… it is going be one of those we watch everything through the eye of the camera things… that rarely *pause* work. We see Andy or as I shall just call him Mr. Hat talking to some guy at his office. It just lets us know that it is probably best for them to be out of the city. Jumping over to everyone in the car, they hit traffic going out of London… uummm… and they are surprised when there has been a serious epidemic going on? Eh… I see these people are not too bright.

We follow them going through a village, and then onto a farmhouse. Too many farm houses eh… too many farmhouses! …tired of farmhouses… Anyway, thankfully it would seem it is not the one from the beginning. Everyone walks up to the farmhouse, and we finally get to see Leeann, the other female member of the group. The girls go knocking on the door, and the lights are on but it would seem that no one’s home… if I am talking about the farmhouse or the girls is up to you. Now for once we see all the members of the group, well sort of… because the camera has been left on the hood of the car. They end up deciding to go back to the village and look for the local pub. Because, yes, when things get creepy, getting drunk is always the best option in my opinion! So, just as quickly, the car breaks down, and in oh so stereotypical fashion, the men believe that they can fix the car and they send the woman to go get them some beers it would seem ooooorrrr something like that.

 

{Scene Three}

 

After which it jumps to Mr. Hat having reception long enough to learn that London has been overrun, and that the subway has been shutdown indefinitely. They end up planning to go back to the farm… *deadpan* Yay! Creepy farmhouse… *end deadpan* they break into the farmhouse, and the power goes out as one would expect in this type of movie after them being there a very short period of time. Then they go about searching the house and find what we can only guess is Mr. West disemboweled, the farmer that they were supposed to be interviewing, and Mrs. Wicked Zombie of the West and they go about freaking out and running out of the house at night {Play clip ~ Wizard of OZ – Flying Monkeys music} They somehow make it through the undead infested field and into the wood without anyone getting hurt in the slightest, then *sarcasm* do the brightest thing possible build a fire. */sarcasm* Then we get the wonderful quote that strange dead things are running around.

Now we get another one of those beautifully simple black screens and we learn that we are onto Diary 2 ‘The Scavengers’ and it also lets us know that it is now one month later. We open up on seeing trees pass from another video camera, and we hear Elizabeth. (No, we do not learn her name yet, however there is no reason for me to just call her disembodied voice number 4) We pan over to Greg, and then we see the cameraman John look at himself in the rearview mirror. They find a corpse, and just think it’s dead…

Skipping ahead a few scenes, John almost gets bitten, and I have to say… people should realize after a month, only one in the head makes it dead. Bash, beat it, brain it, or shoot it, BUT if you find a corpse splay its brains for all to see. Anyway, going forward… the camera turns off and we jump ahead in time to them going into a town to look for supplies, they find everything that they need… surprisingly easily, for them being in dead Ville. Only after they get everything loaded into carts and ready to take out to the car do they start encountering ANY undead. However, they are able to easily get everything packed up and move on before anything really happens. Finally in the car and out of breath, John points the camera at himself.

 

{Scene Four}

 

After our little foray with “The Scavengers”, we now get one more time of them telling us that this is Diary 3 – ‘the Survivors’. We open up on a group of three plus camera taking out zombies. They seem to be surprisingly good shots as a woman finally tells them to just leave it, and pulls them away with some walkers still left. We see a woman who is super afraid of this being contagious, which is not surprising. However, she goes as far as making people wipe their feet in what looks to be dishwasher detergent… Now, it might be good for getting you glasses spotless, yet I feel it would be a weee bit less effective on whatever virus this may be. However, who knows, you do want to be careful about the zombie dishware coming to fork you.

We are learning that that this is a… *deadpan* little farm… */deadpan* and we get to hear our cameraman for this little story getting philosophical and talking of *sarcasm* how he did not really appreciate his life before. */sarcasm* We quickly jet to it being dinner time, and them talking of how they only have enough supplies to last a few days. Annn OH too common theme in zombie movies in my opinion, but I have to admit it is realistic overall. They talk to someone named Amine on the radio, and Goke, yes… His name’s Goke, his only thing is for them to bring more cigarettes.

 

{Scene Five}

 

Next, We get a scene of the bodies being burned in place… which seems though efficient in one way, a waste of fuel overall. *condescending tone* Manpower should be used so that they have to use less fuel to burn bodies… */condescending tone* However, the camera quickly flips to night vision, and OOOOOOOOOOO everything’s soooo green and spooky especially since it’s mostly silent except for the equally sooo creepy music. Suddenly, we get everyone freaking out, out of nowhere and gun shots then we see a field full of the undead. Suddenly, there is a van in the night vision mowing down the undead, seems like someone around there had a pretty smart idea.

It jumps to some of them searching the barn, and it turning out to be just birds. After they decide to clean up the field tomorrow… Seems like a “no brainer” to me, burning the bodies at night was stupid to do in the first place. What did everyone want to do?! Roast marshmallows over fire campfire bodies?! Moving on… We get Goke laughing about the way the walker’s eyes look, and we jump time again and it is daylight presumably the next day. We see people complaining about the pond water being all they have… (Spoiled much?) We move forward to Sue, who seems to be the leader of this bunch yelling at Goke about using the van to mow down zombies the night before… She is an idiot. She tells him he should have just gotten a gun, when they wonder what has been bringing more undead there. Maybe all the gunfire, but it seems no one thinks about that. She believe that the blood on the van is going to get them all infected, who knows maybe in this universe it would. However, I think I’d take my chances on that to take out as many of the Rotters as possible.

We see another truck show suddenly up and it is Amine from the radio, it would seem he and Sue are an item.

 

{Scene Six}

 

Soon thereafter we jump back to being with “The Scavengers” we see Greg trying to talk to someone on the radio, but they’re still out of range. John our cameraman walks over to Elizabeth who’s getting disheartened. Then we hear screams, and see Greg get gnawed on for a moment, and John kills the zombie quickly. They get back on the road, but with John and Elizabeth fighting over the map they expectedly end up crashing. Once they get out we see she has been knocked out cold, and Greg tries to wake her. John has to pull him away, and as they are getting away John oddly stops long enough to film Elizabeth becoming ZomBurger, disembowelment and all.

After some scenes of Greg and John running through the woods, Greg has given up and finally just sits down next to a tree, slumps over, and passes out. John sits the camera down, and for an unexplainable reason pulls the picture out of Greg’s pocket and shows it to the camera. It is Greg, Elizabeth, and a baby… which I can ONLY guess got eaten a long time ago. He puts it back in Greg’s pocket and simply says “you’re with her now”. Then John calmly takes Greg’s gun and plays pop the melon with Greg’s head.

Finally finished with that he takes the camera and runs, we get to see John bump into a grave yard, and lose his pinky finger to a zombie bite. Suddenly, we hear gunshots, and it is getting’ light out. We hear John laughing and running through a field, we hear one more gunshot, silence, and the camera fall to the ground. Probably best for him anyway…

After which we are back ta Diary 3 party “The Survivors”… HOWEVER, this is where I stop.

As your Zombie Master, I feel I would be doing you a disservice dear listener to spoil the last twenty minutes of THIS movie. You see, it’s one of the very few zombie movies that has ever been able to both impress me and surprise me with the ending both in its originality and its brutality. I feel it would be a crime to ruin it for you.

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

This is how I see this movie overall, it has its very large downsides, the main one being it’s really only good for one watch… at most two. Because once you know the ending, it really does not have anything more to give you. However, I also see it as one of the most realistic representations of how the dark side of the human condition, could and likely would show its ugly face in the Zombie Apocalypse. I would suggest renting this if you can to know if you want to own it. It is done very well even if it has a few plot holes. Also, I am not a fan of the whole Blair Witch / Dairy of the Dead movie from the camera point of view thing. However, in this movie it is done well, it did not make me feel literally sick like it did when I watched the original Blair Witch.

Plus, it does add something to this movie that works without being gimmicky like it is in pretty much every other movie it’s ever used in. I say if you want a movie that is going to mess with your head in the end DEFINITELY check this one out, this is a great movie even with its flaws

Annnnnnd… Fade to Black.

 

{Outro}

 

Always take care of problems as soon as they arise, Never let your guard down, Know to be suspicious of everyone you meet, and remember Horror Never DIES!

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