Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Twenty Four ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

If you’re spoiled in the -Dead Season- you may find yourself surrounded by the -Girls Gone Dead- while in the midst of -The Attack of the Vegan Zombies- while Zombie Master fittingly reviews for you the film Grave Mistake.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to bandage your wounds and review the 2008 movie Grave Mistake. Before I even get started, I have to say something about the name; it is always concerning when the title of a movie has a pun in it. I mean, I am all about puns, as anyone who has been listening to me for any amount of time knows. However, when you use them in the title of a film it just spells Going. To. Be. Horrible. Anyway… onto this cluster fork. Opening up, all we hear is wind chimes and a blank black screen for a little bit too long, suddenly it awkwardly cuts to a truck with a guy’s feet hanging out and we meet Karl King, of course both spelled with a K… and after you get to know him you’ll think his middle name is probably Kevin.

Sitting up we see him drinking, and he goes about pouring a barrel of toxic chemicals from his truck with ChemDump on the back… ooooh… this one starts out so subtle… anyway. He dumps the chemicals right onto a fresh grave as he stand there cussing and making fun of the grave. Not to mention his license plate, which is… so bad I am not  even willing to repeat what it says… but let me just say, within this short scene we are clubbed over the head with how much we are supposed to hate this guy.

As Karl drives off, we pan back to the grave that is now smoking and steaming, or should I say it has CGI that looks like someone just kind of painted it there. Moving onward, we get our slice of cheese flavored Credits. The animation looks like maggots at first, and the font is just… well expected, and it does the jittery bounce effect, as well as the music is just as stereotypical. The animation changes and we see it is a blood flow. We get the credits broken up by an old couple who as the Credits progress we see that their situation is grim in their Winnebago. Maybe this is Dale the early years?

We jump awkwardly again to a kid on his bike buying cigarettes from another kid, then him going home. Once he gets home and into the house he finds Karl asleep in a chair with his hand down his pants. I think I shall call Karl wanker for the rest of this review. We see that the kid, Alex is the step-son of Wanker the dumper from earlier and we are finished with the credits as we watch Wanker beat Alex with a belt in the face. This is a little more than heavy handed with how much we are supposed to hate this guy so quickly. There is a point when you go from “you are supposed to hate this guy” to “we are going to throw every bad trait in the entire movie into one character so that you like and LOVE EVERYBODY else!”

(Shout Out – http://www.facebook.com/ItsEverythingHorror)

 

{Scene Two}

 

Now we hop over to Mike and Phil at the garage, Phil is let’s just say… not… all there. We see Mike give him his lunch break, and then we have a very choppy scene that shows Mike thinking about killing himself because he accidently killed his entire navy seal team during a training exercise. This scene goes on forever, jumping between a poorly done flashback and what is supposed to be bullets in the gun. This goes on till we meet Monica who knocks at the office door, and Mike puts the gun in his pocket.

Switching to Phil outside we get a close up of him eating a sandwich… and I have always felt the need to ask. Why do directors so often think we NEED a close up of someone eating a sandwich?!?!? Unless it is a sandwich commercial, or we someone earlier POISONED the DAMN sandwich and the WRONG person is eating it. There is NEVER a reason for a close up of the person’s mouth biting into said sandwich… EVER!! *takes breath* Calm down… Cllllam down… much more what the forkery to come. The one thing we learn of importance in this scene is that Phil wrote “The Undead Survivalist Manuel” yeah… *sarcasm* no blatant reference there. *end sarcasm*

Suddenly we suddenly jump to Renfaire… seriously… I could not make it up. We go from dude eating a sandwich at a garage to two knights fighting in medieval armor with NO segway. Just grease monkey to {Play Clip – Weird Al – White & Nerdy}, then very shortly thereafter jump right back to the garage with Monica and her son… *sigh* Woody… yeah… next we’ll find Buzz Deadyear…

Alex comes into the Garage, and Mike sees his black eye from the beating he took from Wanker earlier. And because of that, Mike sends Phil on break so that he and Alex can look at something.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Shortly thereafter, we end up back inside with everyone seeing the news Phil thinks its zombies, but of course since Phil is a little slow and eccentric no one listens to him.

A short time later, we jump to a dirt road, and we end up inside a pickup truck. A father takes a drink and then gives it too his daughter. After she has a drink she drops it on the floor and he has to stop to pick it up, when they see zombies in front of the truck her father has one of the best reactions EVER to seeing zombies for the first time. He tells his daughter to drink up. It may not be the smartest idea in the world to get drunk at the start of the zombie apocalypse; however it has to be one of the more realistic reactions I have ever seen in a movie about the undead.

After they get back to their farm, she goes to look for the dog then she get surrounded in the barn… suddenly… the drunken farm girl now thinks that she knows karate, and tries to kick one of the zombies in 70s martial arts movie fasion. and… her foot… goes though… it… it pulls her leg through its own chest and shortly we see her as a zombie. Then we hear one shot the scream of her parents. In another awkward transition later, we go back to the Renfaire couple from earlier and we see “Lord Warmin” propose to his “Lady Love”. Trust me this… even putting it that way puts to shame how terribly cheesily he proposes to her. It is like he is trying to quote Shakespeare as re-written by high school grammar Nazis on on-line fanficion sites. The worst part of it all, is that I have known people like this. The best part of it is that the entire time we can see four zombies coming up towards them, and as soon as he puts the ring on her finger, the walkers go about indulging in her flesh.

(Shout Out – http://sabbiespursesandmore.com/)

 

{Scene Four}

 

Going back to the garage, Wanker comes in looking for Alex fist already balled up to hit him. After that we have a bit of sexual innuendo between Mike and Monica that is interrupted by what has to be one of the worst fake newscasts I have seen in a long time. The one fun thing other than watching Wanker squirm realizing he was the cause of all of this is the reporter’s name. It is Tom Nickotero, this is obviously a little shout out to Greg Nickotero, who has dealt with make up in one way or form for every Romero zombie movie dating back to Day of the Dead. As well doing special effects make up for The Walking Dead series and countless other movies including A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child.

After the news report cuts out the air raid sirens blare and Phil makes it clear that this is zombies! Wanker continues acting well just insert a behavior that any normal person would loathe someone for… you will probably find *clear throat* what Mr. Wanker is doing. Going back to Phil, he states the obvious that they are in trouble, then Phil and everyone looks out and sees zombies. I have to say of Phil, even being made the fool, and even worse the beyond terrible over the top acting, he is one of the most fun characters in this entire movie. We get an obligatory pan over the zombies in the parking lot. Yet, just like any normal person who sees dead people walking in his parking lot, Mike will not believe that they are dead. Shortly thereafter, Phil tempts fate saying that they (the zombies) are not going to get him. Of course that exact moment the door opens up and they pull him out ripping his head off as if it were scotch taped on and then making it all the more cheesy and over the top they pull his body in two like it was only zippered shut.

They finally realize that a garage might not be the most secure place to be and Mike runs across the parking lot to hotwire Phil’s van. Coming back of course Wanker pushes Woody out of the way, and so Woody jumps in the back but gets a zombie holding onto his leg. Mike tries to shake it off in one of the best examples of the worst sped up weaving footage I’ve seen to date in a zombie film. Then Alex goes about beating it with Phil’s undead survivalist manual… good to know it got some use. Then… and only then… of COURSE after Woody does gets bit he remember OH! YEAH! I have another leg and kicks it in the head and it gets left behind finally. However, in one of the best effects of the movie that you rarely even see big budget Hollywood films try. Woody goes from healthy flesh tones to zombie grey on camera after that and just a quick cut away later,  Woody is up and trying to eat Alex.

A fight ensues, and Mike has to pull out the gun from earlier. At least that horrid flash back scene had a point, and when he shoots… it blows Woody’s entire head up… and well… I guess that’s a buzz kill.

 

{Scene Five}

 

Now, I have to stop for a moment. During the entire scene where Mike is driving  he is almost always looking in the backseat, or at Monica,  or just about everywhere but at the road. It is a wonder he does not crash… or the wonders of a VERY obvious green screen. I have seen much better green screen work on video at thatguywiththeglasses.com and this was actually released, on video

After a few more useless scenes of them driving, Wanker well… being… a Wanker, and other such nonsense, they run out of gas and Mike tells everyone to grab a weapon. Monica… grabs… an… umbrella. *utter disbelief* and Mike gives her a nod like that is a good choice. Alex on the other hand grabs a tire iron, and has a look like he just saw his first pair of breasts.

So, we get the normal we are running around killing zombie scenes Mike with his pipe… Alex with his tire iron… un..til.. un..tilllll… Eehhhhhhzzzzsss Ehhh until uh uh hu uh Monica makes a zombie’s head explode by… by… opening… her… American flag umbrella… …It hurts me precious… it hurts me… moving ahead before MY brain explodes they end up in a hardware store. We get a scene that makes Wanker look completely special needs when he starts playing with the display of sink faucets acting like he’s drinking out of them. Then Alex finds someone new by the name of George in the bathroom.

He quickly becomes a member of their party and everyone rearms. Alex decides on a machete. Mike likes the sledgehammer. Our new friend George goes for a pick ax. Wanker on the other hand cowers behind everyone as always. An Monica… chooses… an electric hedge trimmer… YES FOLKS electric. This goes through my head {Play Clip – Elecrtric Slide – It’s Electric Boogie Woogie Woogie}

Moving onward, they end up at an office building and decide to take refuge in there. Once they get in the doors, they are met by their knight in shining armor. Lord Warmin from earlier… is at the reception desk. With him are a couple Greg and Linneah, and the worst line of the movie comes of course from Lord Warmin “for these be some evil dead”… This movie is about as subtle as a brick through a window. After a few quick “the people we have lost and do you have a ride” scenes, the zombies start getting in… could it possibly be because you DID NOT even LOCK the FRONT FIGGING DOOR! ANYway…

(Shout Out – http://www.horroremporium.com/)

 

{Scene Six}

 

As Lord Warmin holds some of them off, Linneah gets two of her fingers bitten off, where as Greg is not so lucky as the walkers rip rip him open a like piñata. Moving to the next floor they find the door locked, and Mike has to use his {Play Clip – Peter Gabriel – Sledgehammer} to get the door open. After the door is open the zombies end up getting George and we spend what seems like an eternity watching them perform spinal surgery on him, eating their way through. After they cut Linneah’s hand off by kicking it in a door. Yes… I really just said that, this movie make me question what is coming out of my mouth at times. Mike carries her, and I have to keep wondering why is it one small bite and Woody changed almost instantly. Linneah has two fingers bitten clean off and they just bring her around like a sack of potatoes. This MAKES no SENSE!

They end up back outside trying to get to Greg’s car and Lord Warmin ends up dropping his sword and getting overpowered, so Wanker volunteers to go get the car. However, Wanker cannot understand running over them and stalls the car. Zombie George shows up and punches through the top of the car and I shit you not that this goes through my head… {Play Clip – Mortal Kombat – Finish Him!} because he slams his fingers into Wanker’s eye sockets and rips his head off, spine attached sub-zero style pulling it through the top of the damn car then gnawing on it. Which, I do have to admit was pretty cool.

Finally Mike puts down the fingerless widow and gives Alex the gun acting like shooting is as easy as playing checkers. After Mike leaves them to find a way out Linneah finally turns and Alex has to cave her face in with a computer monitor… something they should have done before she turned. Monica and Alex decide to go looking for Mike and in the best and most excellent scene of nightmare fuel of the entire movie we see a zombie woman and her zombie baby still breastfeeding, or should I say its feeding on her breast, then it cries disturbingly before Alex can close the door.

Mike finally shows back up, and during this whole scene the color keeps changing, not in a way that its supposed to do that. The short of it, we find out Mike has a single scratch and is infected and him and Monica finally profess their love for each other, and go to have their first and final kiss yet Mike turns just as they are about to kiss and rips her entire lower jaw off with one pull of his teeth… Tooth strength like that, I would loooooove to meet his dentist! Alex of course ends up having to shoot Mike, and then makes it out of the building. After which we watch a montage of him walking through what looks to be an abandoned city… all the hordes of zombies they dealt with and yet everywhere HE is on his way home there are none. Seems they just chose the wrong side of town.

He finally gets back into his trailer park, gets chased to his house by the worst example of a puppet zombie dog I have ever seen. Wait… not that I can say I have seen any other puppet zombie dogs now that I think of it. Yet, it also ties together the Kung-Fu redneck back to the rest of story since she was looking for their dog. After Alex gets in the house we see his mother is a zombie which is not a surprise since Wanker alluded to killing her earlier. Yet… it looks like the killer Grover zombie puppet dog ate her face off, and in one of the worst examples of CGI in a zombie film I have ever seen she walks in faceless. Alex kills her then falls to the floor, the zombie dog gets in from… well they’re not going to explain that either and Alex is out of bullets. Thankfully Lord Warmin lived and is clairvoyant being able to find the house of a boy he did not know one day earlier. He kills the dog then they leave to go fight zombies and we see the front yard that was empty moments ago is now completely full of cartoonish CGI zombies… and with that we pull away and it goes black and I believe my brain has leaked out my ears.

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

Where do I even start with this movie… it is TERRIBLE. Now, what I will say is that it’s the good kind of  terrible… the so bad it’s good. Its campy, it’s fun and it really makes no sense. The painful part of it though it that it seems like it was actually taking its self seriously. I mean, all the effects where over the top, this is the first and probably only time I will ever see an umbrella pop a zombie’s head like an overripe cantalope. There were so many not so subtle references, a fun example I talked about earlier was the newscaster Tom Nickotero. The other one I did not mention earlier is that the character Greg’s last name was Savini now if we flip these names we get Greg Nicotero and Tom Savini probably two of the best known people in zombie makeup and special effects. Nooow, back to about the movie, all the characters in this movie are more caricatures than characters, and even that’s done badly.

Honestly, I cannot suggest you watch this movie unless you are a hardcore zombie movie fan or you’re hardcore into really bad Z grade movies. I mean like the kind of stuff Obscurus Lupa would review (if you do not know who that is, I will have a link on the webpage for this episode where you can find her stuff). Just steer clear of this mess of mixed up ideas. Zombie virus in this universe, it takes only moments for it to kill you, wait no it gives you super human strength, wait no it takes half the movie for you to change. Mortal Kombat!

If you do watch this horrendous piece of What the forkery, know you are getting yourself into a brain meltingly bad hour and thirty minutes of why the help me am I watching this…

Annnnnnnd Fade to Black!

 

{Outro}

 

Never forget your umbrella, Always make sure the door is locked, Know when to not go for that one last kiss, and Remember Horror Never Dies.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Shawn Darling 2014 1 J at 8:46 pm

Wow….funny but totally cruel. Thanks for that. :/

Reply

Zombie Master 2014 7 J at 2:34 pm

Thank you, wasn’t trying to be cruel. Just stating it how I see it.

Reply

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