Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Thirty Three ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

If you are in the -Doghouse- you may just want to go to -Zombie Lake- so you can -Rave to the Grave- after listening to Zombie Master review Biker Zombies from Detroit.

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to rev your engines by reviewing Biker Zombies from Detroit from 2001.

We open up on panning over a bike… this might seem cool, yet when you spend the first thirty seconds with the director showing you how cool his chrome is you start to get tired of it. You get even more so, when they start the credits and for the next minute and a half you are still watching them *short pause* pan over every. Single. Inch. of the bike in question.

Finally done… with the bike show, we go about having an unneeded prologue while going through stock footage of an urban environment. You could say that this is Detroit, which would kind of be fitting with the name. However, the problem is that since you cannot tell whether it is Detroit or not. It just looks like random stock footage which is just as boring as the bike that we spent the first two minute of the movie looking at.

We finally get our first real scene of the movie with the narrator talking of how he’s gathering generals. We see a rapist and murder get some sort of white vapor attacking him. It looks like it could be a living pile of cocaine that suddenly decided he would be good for lunch.

 

{Scene Two}

 

Cutting away from that, we meet New Kid. Yes, he has a name. But, there is no reason to use it. He is a walking stereotype, just like every other character in this movie. Panning over to a small town we meet Coffee Shop Girl, Lady Cop, and Bitter Partner. Coffee Girl tells Lady Cop about how she has a date with an older guy (she is supposed to be sixteen). Lady Cop is giving her woman advice when Bitter Partner comes in at the wrong point of the conversation and gruffly says he is going to sit in the car.

We jump over to Jock Douchebag at the gym kissing his biceps, then hop over to his friends who I will just call Thing One and Thing Two.

We get a *sarcasm* wonderful *end sarcasm* conversation about women’s panties and how they do not like dealing with chicks over fifteen (they are eighteen) as well as how wonderful fourteen year olds are. *sarcasm* Because, I can only guess that whoever wrote this either thought pedophilia is funny or they felt the need to drive home that you are supposed to really hate these guys. *end sarcasm* Either way, the acting is horrid.

 

Popping back over to New Kid, he tries to introduce himself to Thing One and Thing Two as Thing Two is his new neighbor. *deadpan* They just trade insults as you would expect. *end deadpan*

 

{Scene Three}

 

Next we cut back over to the narrator and his next general. It is a prostitute who kills her tricks for their money. We see it is all oh so spooky with its clever film grain and we finish up with an ending shot on her bottom. We then cut over to Coffee Girl who is finishing her date with Jock Douchebag.

She does not want to make out with him. Let’s see what his response is, is it something reasonable? Would yoooou expect reasonable from a stereotype? Naaaaa… He pulls his johnson from his pants and says and I quote… “You think this hog is going to smoke its self?”

Who says things like that? I really could not make this up… Seriously… that goes beyond facepalm, that even goes way past headdesk, I would say that is the level of faceplane.

Anyway… Moving on.

 

{Scene Four}

Randomly we go to a motorcycle gang coming up to a Shell gas station. We see the attendant tell them that they have to pay first, then he takes his two guns old west style coming out and shooting the female zombie repeatedly about the body and face. She ends up decapitating him and putting his head in her saddlebag.

Afterward, we get more of Lady Cop and Coffee Girl. Then Coffee Girl ends up meeting New Kid and of course they hit it off instantly. They go back to his house and Jock Douchebag gets pissed that New Kid is getting to know a girl that does not even like him. Ahhhh… the male ego… after that set up… we get a oh so NOT wonderful clichéd montage of the two of them going throughout their first day together.

After what is of course wonderful day together, Coffee Girl asks New Kid out on a date. He says yes, as you would expect. (By this point, I just want them to all get eaten! I am wondering where the zombies are! I mean it is a half hour into a movie that bills its self as Biker Zombies from Detroit and we have had a gas station attendant and one other guy die… that’s it.) Moving on, we do finally get to see an entire diner full of people die, and we see that most of this movie’s budget went to the zombie make-up.

I mean, they have a classic blue face zombie look which I like. It is really impressive zombie make-up for such a crud-tastic movie. Which makes them having such good make-up *pause* kind of sad. Anyway, we see the blue zombie biker gang breaking necks, and decapitating people. Yet, there is no flesh eating.

 

{Scene Five}

Going to a club with New Kid and Coffee Girl. She goes to the bathroom and the douche squad comes up. In the end they all get kicked out because New Kid throws a drink in Jock Douchebag’s face for good reason.

Once outside, of course the douche patrol chases New Kid while he is on his dirt bike and them on their motorcycles. He ends up in an alleyway and gets the shaft, quite literally from the zombie bikers. They kill him but only Thing Two sees it.

We awkwardly cut to the next day, everyone is worried about New Kid’s disappearance for the varying reason you would expect from their own personal stereotype qualities. We jump around for a little while and sadly the acting seems to be getting even worse than the writing.

 

{Scene Six}

Jumping to the only good part of this movie… the last ten minutes. We see New Kid shove a spike through Thing Two’s face mask after Thing Two’s bike stalls. We jump ahead and Lady Cop and Bitter Partner come up in their police car. I have to stop for a moment to mention this police car. It has red plush interior, you hear the “sounds” of a police car that you might expect. However, you only see a stock CD player. Worse is when Lady Cop acts like she is reaching for the police radio, you can see… she is just miming it. Anyway, they come up on Thing Two dead on the ground.

Seeing it Lady Cop yells out “shit” more like she just stubbed her toe than found a dead body. Then Thing One and Jock Douchebag fly past on their motorcycles, which changes the music from sinister to poignant as we see the cops chasing after them… on foot… in slow motion…

From there we see New Kid knock Thing One off his bike, going about removing his manhood with the front tire of the dirt bike. So, we see Thing One get his hot dog turned into shredded wheat.

Awkwardly cutting to Jock Douchebag getting to New Kid’s house, Coffee Girl is leaving. Jock Douche starts yelling at her, but New Kid shows up, forces Jock over the motorcycle, pulls down Jock’s pants, rips the muffler off the cycle and then let’s just say Jock Douchebag is never going to have to worry about constipation ever again.

We see New Kid is a zombie now, with the stuff that killed him still poking out of him. He goes about breaking Coffee Girl’s neck, then throwing his mother in front of a moving car. Bitter Partner blows New Kid’s head off… spraying himself and Lady Cop with blood as the zombie biker gang comes up and we cut to news reports of the zombies killing everything.

We finally end with the Devil… yes… the Devil. Who we find out has been our narrator… the whole time. Getting angry that people are blaming everything but him and his pure evil after which we cut to the credits thankfully.

 

{Final Thoughts}

What can I say about this movie… It is not as bad as Awaken the Dead (if you haven’t heard that one you can find it at http://www.HellisFull.net/Ep26 and I’ll leave a link in the show notes.). However, saying something isn’t as bad as the worst zombie movie that your Zombie Master has watched is loooong from a compliment.

My first problem is that ALL of the charters in this movie are supposed to be between sixteen and eighteen years old (except the mother and cops of course). The problem, they all look like they are between twenty-five and thirty. Second, to say the acting was bad would be a kin to saying that getting hit by a car is good. They deliver their lines like they are reading them from a page, you even can catch a couple times where they stumble and stutter and actually repeat their lines. Third is that everyone is a stereotype and nothing more… My fourth and final problem that I am going to say here, is that the demonic possession zombie thing would have been fine. If they had any real part in the movie, yet they did not and that is a problem to me. If you are going to bill your movie as Biker Zombies from Detroit. Have THEM in IT as more than a BIT part!

Simply, do not waste your time with this one. It is not a grade B movie, it is not even a grade Z movie. It is a grade Y movie, as in why did I watch this figging thing?

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd Fade To Black!

{Outro}

Always control your temper, Never make a deal with the Devil, Know not to go into dark alleys at night, and Remember Horror Never DIES!

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