Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Thirty Seven ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

When you are partying at the -Stag Night of the Dead-, be careful of the lap dance you get from -Dawna of the Dead- or you just might end up as one of the -Legion of the Dead- before you can listen to Zombie Master review Zombie Strippers.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to bare all while he reviews Zombie Strippers from 2008. Now, before I get to that I want my loyal Hellions to know all month long I’ll be celebrating the holiday season in a most devious fashion. A zombie duel to the undead match up with Strippers Verses Santa Clause. All December will be zombie movies that either involve strippers or Christmas!

Anyway… onto the movie. After a quick old fashioned blood dripping title card with oh so ominous music, we come in on a rather outdated political commentary in the style of a news report on the George W. Bush administration’s fourth term in office. Which was mildly funny at the time, however could have been left out to keep it from getting painfully outdated. We learn about W. Industries Chemo-Virus which is now the only really important part of it… Going past that we see Mr. Scientist watching a colleague get eaten from behind protective glass.

We hop outside, seeing what is supposed to be a military unit show up… However… they look and act more like a street gang from a bad eighties cop movie. We meet each of them, and the New Guy… There always has to be the rookie. When we see them jump out of the truck, we get the usual military jargon, and all I am thinking is {Play Clip – Elm Street 2 – You’ve got the Body, I’ve got the Brain} Jumping inside we see fearless leader talking to scientist drones. They tell them all about the Chemo-Virus zombies. Which when it comes down to it is a super solider program that uses the Chemo-Virus that is designed using the X chromosome… so it really only works well on women. Once we get through that our commando team goes into the building.

Problem is as soon as they finish with their initial assault they take off all of their armor and high tech gadgetry in order to I guess look more cool. They get to a corridor and lead all the zombies… and pretty much themselves into a trap. Using an EMP to knock out all the zombies because it somehow… someway… works on zombies… like they are mechanical or something. One issue is that they knock them all out but do not go about taking them out with headshots. Soooo all the zombies get up… annnnd New Guy gets bit… of course.

The team runs into a room with steel doors, and the zombies knock it down. We see that the commando team put on the unlimited ammo code (IDKFA) and all the zombies are briskly taken out. Once done with that, we see New Guy watch his team put down a scientist who has been bit… so like anybody who has an ounce of self preservation instinct and no care for the rest of humanity… He runs like the wind, getting out of the facility through a rooftop window. Once outside he ends up looking for somewhere to hide. Sooooo… he breaks a window and gets into what looks to be a basement.

Very shortly though, a hand yanks him off the stage, the lights come on… annnd we find he is in a strip club.

 

{Scene Two}

 

After that bit of unfunny, parodyish, what the figgery… we see New Guy watching the strip show in shock from the floor, only getting up after having a gold thong going across his face. We slide on over to New Girl coming in, who seems extremely out of place and this goes through my head. {Play Clip Elm Street 5 – How Sweet Fresh Meat!} We have a D.J. sounding like he is trying to be Lacroix from Forever Knight and here is an example! {Play Clip – Forever Knight ~ You Are A Sick Depraved Little Girl}, which makes me wonder why there is a vampire in a zombie movie… even if he really isn’t one.

Following the Stripper from the stage into the dressing room, we see that she is porn star Jenna Jameson. We get a short montage of all the girls that shows us each of their stereotypes. They send out the Goth girl for the next dance, and we see her do… *said quickly* a lot of things. *end quick* Including licking the pole. Now you can pay me to do pretty much anything, however you could not pay me enough to lick the pole at a strip club.

Jumping a head a bit, we see Mr. Ian the strip club owner come up to the microphone… who is! None other than Robert England, Freddy Kruger himself. We jump back to the dressing room and see New Girl… putting up a picture… of… Jesus Christ. -During these next words I will edit the audio to go from the left to right channel back and forth for a moment.- I am shaking my head at you movie. I really am. -End left to right sound- We learn she is getting into stripping to pay for her grandmother’s colonoscopy. Oi. That just makes my head hurt.

Going back out to the floor we see one of the girls offer New Guy a lap dance, which he flatly refuses because he looks to be getting hungry for more. Shortly thereafter he falls dead and twitching, then his eyes pop back open just as quickly. Back in the dressing room it would seem New Girl’s boyfriend is there to try and talk her out of it… though he equates her sacrifice by stripping to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. *sigh* I guess even if Hell is Full, we just might be able to squeeze in a few!

Anyway… We get to see the New Girl TRY to strip, she does what seems to be a pretty good job… that is until it is time to take her top off. Which… *sarcastic tone* awwwww… she starts crying and runs off stage. *end sarcastic tone* Once she is back in the dressing room Kat the main dancer says she’ll take her spot and gives her a pep talk. Kat goes out on stage, gets tackled by zombie boy, and he goes about eating… her… *pause briefly* throat out. A lot of people I’m sure have wanted a taste of Jenna Jameson, few I would guess like that.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Following that moment of blood, the D.J. gets the zombie and they lock him in a basement. Then we haphazardly go to them taking the dancer’s body into room, where they go over what to do now… HOWEVER… she rises from the dead before it becomes an issue and they all become befuddled. Once she is in the dressing room, the catfight of the undead starts then she decides to dance. Everyone seems to love the zombie stripper… Rule 34 I guess…

Once she is done and it is all but raining money on the stage and she decides to take one of the nice guys back for a private dance… and then… let’s just say parts him from his privates. Once Ian and the gang rush in they find the room covered in blood and she is munching on an arm. Not being a bad hostess, she offers them some in a very childlike fashion. They politely refuse her offer, and she leaves. When the janitor goes to clean up the mess, they find dude’s head snapping at them. Switching over to Ian’s office, we see them confront Ian with the zombie head… yet, his dreams of money cloud his judgment to say the least.

Shortly afterward, they find that the Goth Girl got herself a serious case of the undeads. She goes about doing her thing, ending by spinning on the pole. When she jumps off, landing breaking the stage finishing up with what has to be the cheesiest and worst line of the movie. Death is Goooood. In comes one of the live girls who gets booed off the stage, back with the undead Goth Girl… (is that redundant?) She takes a guy back stage, doing what can only be called breaking face and this goes through my head {Play Clip – Elm Street 5 – Wanna Suck Face?} She rips his jaw off, ripping out his tongue and eating it like a stick of beef jerky. Ian and the crew come in, and they take Nice Guy #2 to a cage downstairs and lock him in… why do they have a cage? Oooooo… Did this used to be a fetish club?

 

{Scene Four}

 

Going forward, we see them shut down for the night Ian shooing everyone out of the club. After New Girl leaves we find she is being followed by her boyfriend. As they part ways we see the squad leader from the military unit that we met way back when. Then we hop back inside seeing the two zombie girls look like they are going to eat the Janitor… that is until we see another girl come in, telling Kat that she loves her(and this goes through my head) {Play Clip – Elm Street 1 – I’m your boyfriend now.} and we get the terrible line, love is dead. Then we get some rather erotic zombie girl on girl action, it would seem the girl likes it a little rough as teeth are included. Now, I can understand wanting to see how the other half lives, it is not so bad really. However, just giving yourself over seems a waste to me. Shouldn’t we have to work for our food!

After three more guys become back room zombie food, we get a montage of Ian getting showered in money, girls dancing, more dead guys being put in the cage, with a laugh over top of it that only Mr. Englund could do. The girls getting paler and paler, rotting more and more, the cage is full and we see about to break. Soon after we learn New Girl is planning on becoming a zombie. Once the club closes for the night again, two members of the street gang of doom stop two leaving patrons rather forcefully… but let them go. As they are leaving one of them says “that chick is as cold as the dead flesh of a stripping zombie.” I Yi Yi…

With that we jump to the next day seeing the zombies strip… in their ever more rotting form and it looks more like a Marilyn Manson video then a strip tease… Though those can be kinda similar… We go to seeing all the girls but one wanting to conform, we get that one and only one girl going into Mr. Ian trying to talk him out of making all the money with the zombies. It is hilarious seeing Robert Englund try to play innocent… even for a moment. He tells her in no uncertain terms if she does not like it. Leave. We head on over to two of the last human girls getting ready to give themselves to the original New Guy zombie. One runs away and we get a little woman gives herself to zombie scene. After which, the one who runs away comes back and gives herself to the leftovers in the cage. Back in the dressing room, New Girl says it is her duty to conform (who in this world has a duty to conform…?) and she is readying to give herself to the zombies to be one of the crowd… Art imitating life it would seem…

 

{Scene Five}

 

After a short little interlude, we get a zombie stripping duel that starts with an annoying screaming match that goes on way too long. Going back downstairs to the basement, we see the other newly dead girl let out all of the zombies from the cage… Ian notices them coming upstairs and locks everyone in running like the wind to his office. Then it just gets stupid… With one of the girls spinning on the pole causing a wind that knocks everybody back… after which panic ensues. They find the door is locked, and… I would say that this is something I did not think I might ever be saying again… but… with the month I am about to have… who knows… Kat starting shooting ping pong balls out of her… then CGI pool balls… as weapons. After that W.T.F. moment, we go to the last surviving strippers… they get to Ian’s office and he lets them in begrudgingly… gun in hand.

The D.J. takes the gun easily and Ian urinates on himself. Soon we find the one useful thing about Ian  he has a stockpile of weapons… however no one including Ian knows how to use them. After a few more painful moments in the office, with a horrid Cheech and Chong reference as well as AH! Our title line for the movie! We slip on out for some zombie killing action. With a club full of zombies, and a bunch of people who know nothing about guns. (But… I’ll give that is realistic.) No one is aiming for the head… everyone gets pushed back into separate rooms.

 

New Girl and her well… boyfriend get trapped in the boiler room… Her boyfriend tries to talk her into having sex with him before they die… She is pissed (Understandably) after he was trying to talk her out of everything based on purity. He shows himself to not be so pure spouting out all sorts of sexual terms… Like Dirty Sanchez, Angry Chewbacca, and Dirty Cup… After that the D.J. tries to box one of the zombie girls and loses his head quite literally.

Then she goes after Ian. Right as he is about to get eaten, the strike force comes in and blows her head off… They are the Z Squad. The warring strippers on stage are still tearing each other apart, yet they get taken out pretty quickly.

 

{Scene Six}

 

Getting near the end of our little roll in the hay with these zombie strippers, we see the last two zombie girls corner Ian in the lap dance room. The ensuing scene has got to be the most disgusting scene your Zombie Master has seen in any zombie movie EVER… After which the military street gang comes in kills the last two zombie girls and Ian has been infected. He ask them to kill him… Yet, they net him as a specimen.

We see them find New Girl and her man child of a boyfriend in the basement still alive. Going back upstairs, we see Mr. Scientist come in and admit that he purposefully let the virus go in the W. Industries facility, they go into how everyone is being used and we end the movie with him getting a little head… in the form of finding the head in the garbage bag from earlier and getting bit…

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

Your Zombie Master’s final thoughts on this one… you see I am conflicted, because the first time I watched this years ago. I loved it, however upon rewatching it for this review… I was not really a fan. Though I have the theatrical cut, the stripping scenes where long and overdone. Do not get me wrong, I figured going in there would be some stripping… which is not technically a bad thing. However, if I wanted to watch this much, I would go to a strip club. Then again, that could be all the rotting parts I have… Even so, this movie is dated. The overdone parody aspects were just too far to be funny; instead of striking a balance it knocks you over the head with the parts that are supposed to be funny. I think my original liking of this movie comes from my love of Freddy Kruger the original and only as far as I know dream zombie… and Robert Englund is always a fun actor to watch at work. His parts are great… but the rest of the movie just does not hold up. I would say this one is mediocre. If you happen upon it on late night cable, it could be good for one watch… but do not waste your time looking for it…

Annnnnnnd Fade to Black!

 

{Outro}

 

Always remember Rule 34, Never get a lap dance from the undead, Know when it is time to take the money and run, and Remember Horror Never Dies!

Find more Episodes of Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies on iTunes (and leave a review) or find more episodes at HellisFull.net

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