Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Twenty ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

When -The Dead Matter- you will see -Uncle Sam- smoking from the -Bong of the Dead- while Zombie Master review the 2006 movie Zombies of Mass Destruction.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here to destroy your perceptions, and in episode twenty of Horror Never Dies I am reviewing Zombies of Mass Destruction.. Opening up we get blood stained water… *dead pan* how original… *end dead pan* we see a blind man finding a guy in a lab coat… however because he is blind, of course he does not know this. *fake laugh* the blind man thinks it must be a whale… and pokes the corpse with his stick. Which we also should think is funny or at least the writer thinks it so. He seems really happy finding the while… hahhahahaha…. Not funny. Not even a little. Then we get a REALLY stereotypical title card. WAIT! Isn’t that the same font as the Devil’s Reject’s? Anyway…

Afterward we cut awkwardly to a paper hitting a porch… and as we are introduced to Port Gamble, this is all I can think of {Play Clip – Mountain Town from South Park} and they make sure to let us know that it is September 23rd, 2003 we meet Mayor Hal E. Burton… yeah… they really are THAT subtle, and we meet some of the other characters, and this ends our 50mg dose of Credits with drinking and driving and meeting the Millers. Because of course the drunks are named Miller.

We also meet Frida; and learn her father is from the Middle East. If you do not get that with the painfully awkward scene when she ends up talking to the Millers, don’t worry, it gets a lot more racist before it’s done, and they do not let you forget it as it is the main trait about her character. Annd just when you think it could not get any more awkward it painfully and racistly does…We thankfully end this scene with Frida getting away from the Millers.

 

{Scene Two}

 

Entering into the Diner we meet a man who is obviously Frida’s father, and then the lazy dishwasher who promptly gets fired.  Not before getting a bigoted speech about how and I quote “You Americans just dance around happy”.

Jumping over we see the mayor drop his fliers, and we get to meet Cheryl the school teacher who we learn very quickly is running against the mayor. We end this scene with the mayor trying to pin a button on a local cop who is covered in blood. Yes, folks, this supposed to be funny… but fails miserably. Going on we meet Reverend Haggis a fire and brimstone type who loves the sound of his own voice a little too much as his entire congregation is either falling asleep or playing games on their phone. From there we meet Lance and Tom, the gay couple coming off of a fairy. They are the two best characters in the movie and have some of the best lines.

We learn about Tom’s past in Port Gamble then they bump into Cheryl, Tom is very closeted but she knows the truth even though he will not admit it to her. An then as they walk away we see the officer eating what looks to be a human leg… Dun Dun Dunnnnn

We go back to the Reverend talking to the mayor and we get a very closeted vibe when they talk about praying. Back with Frida we get more nationalist dribble from her father including him not wanting her to be “one of them”.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Going back to Lance and Tom, we find out that Tom is there to come out to his Mother, a few actually good jokes later we go back to Frida and get a cheap jump scare when Derek (the guy her father just fired) comes up to Frida’s window. Derek… a terrible character talks about a song of his that equates life to ice cream, then we jump back to Lance and Tom at dinner with his mother. There are some great moments in this scene, and it is done in a fun way, then she talks about getting bit… Ut Oh!

Making our way back to Frida and Derek, they are smoking a HUGE bong in his car as he plays her an awful song that is about her, and then pulls the race card when she is upset with him getting fired… and of course we are supposed to find it funny as the whole race issue is most of their conversation. Finally we end this dreadful scene with Derek first getting a zombie on his throat… thankfully… though sadly he has one more line “Awww… That’s my throat.” Really… then he gets a facelift and we are done with him. After that Frida ends up jumping out of the rolling car to get away from the zombies. I have to stop and think about this for a moment, she is high, I know personally if I had just gotten high then I saw the person in the car get bitten by a zombie and then have his face ripped off, followed by being surrounded by zombies. I’d probably end up getting bit by one of the rotting corpses, because I would just be wondering what in the hell that stuff had been laced with.

Back with Lance and Tom, Tom finally comes out to his mother in a somewhat funny scene and then we hear a crash in the kitchen, and then Tom’s mother comes out obviously as a walker. They end up skewering her with a fire place poker and nailing her to the wall with it.

 

{Scene Four}

 

Next we get one of the best and most unexpected scenes of the movie when a little girl runs up to Frida saying mommy ate daddy. In true zombie/horror fashion, Frida tells her to come with her and everything will be ok and she’ll be safe, Frida takes her by the hand and crosses the street, but as they are almost all the way across a truck whizzes by hits the girl and just leaves her hand and arm in Frida’s hand.

We go back to Lance and Tom for a moment, and see them check the news and it is the JSN network and just as quickly we are back with Frida trying to get into her house, but ending up with the Millers and Judy Miller gets bit. They show Joe Miller watching a debate on TV that though rewritten is extremely derivative of the one in the 1978 version of Dawn of the Dead. Over again to Lance and Tom they end up running from the house after Tom’s mother gets loose from being a shish kabob.

Back at the Miller house, Brain their son tries to get his father to listen about his mother being infected and Joe says and I quote. “It is just a bite, from a zombie” Brain looks at him like he is daft… which he is… then we get the best line of the movie with Joe saying, “You know I am a vampire guy” to explain why he knows nothing of zombies. Then Joe sees what is supposed to be a Muslim extremist taking credit for the zombie outbreak. On an unrelated note, the guy playing the extremist is also the writer and director of this pile of racist dribble. Joe loses his mind after seeing that the terrorist is wearing the same necklace that Frida wears.

Going once again back to Lance and Tom we have a fun scene of them on the street taking out zombies Lance using a weed whacker and I just love this scene. We are revisited by Frida’s little friend from earlier now a zombie and Tom shoots her. Then we are back with Frida, Joe doing a bunch of idiotic tests to have Frida prove she is American when she grew up in the house next to them.

 

{Scene Five}

 

Shortly thereafter we finally see what is happening with Frida’s father. He is going insane, to the point of literally ripping a zombie’s head off with his bare hands. He has an almost video game like moment where he keeps finding better weapons and has some fun getting to take out the zombie Derek and saves Cheryl. Cheryl meets up with Lance and Tom and the three of them end up in the church where everyone was just playing bingo. Everyone looks out the door to see the chaos, and then of course the reverend believes that it is the Armageddon and the second coming of Christ. He goes as far as to say that it is only the sinners who have become zombies. The one great line that the reverend does have is him saying that they have the greatest zombie of all time on their side Jesus Christ.

Going back to Frida and Joe, Joe nails Frida… to the floor… with an enormous nail through her foot. Brain finally having had enough puts a hammer into Joe’s skull, then has to pull it back out to release Frida, and then Brain gets eaten by his mother while Joe watches. Bouncing back to the church again, they are doing the routine zombie fair kind of things, like boarding up the windows and going over supplies. One person even had brought multiple guns with him to church. We find out that Cheryl hates guns… which is a point that will obviously come back shortly thereafter.

Cheryl points out the mayor is infected and he and the reverend attack her, Lance and Tom. Which leads to a couple of scenes of gay bashing, as well as other senseless crap that this movie just had to add onto its already terrible racist element with some added gay bashing for flavor.

 

{Scene Six}

 

Hoping on over to Frida finally making it home, we see her father come home shortly after, and after seeing that she is safe he quickly becomes a zombie. Frida kills him… but this is also the most stupid moment of the movie. She puts a machete through his face. Up through his jaw and out the top of his nose. Not touching the brain… even worse VERY OBVIOUSLY not touching the brain… However, he dies anyway. We see Frida considering using a shotgun on herself but changes her mind and shortly after that we see that Freda has decided to go out and kill some zombies. However, Joe comes up after her and tries to handcuff her to him but she ends up handcuffing him to a playground and he shortly thereafter thankfully gets eaten.

Going back to Church we see Mayor Hal E. Burton rip the reverend’s arm off and beat him with it, then gun hating Cheryl ends up shooting the mayor repeatedly with a smile on her face then smashing his skull into the ground. Frida saves Tom and they have a bunch of military people come up and rescue them. Then we get to see the end of quarantine is *super sarcastic* 29… Weeks… Later… of course.*end sarcasm*

We see Lance and Tom come seeing Frida now working all the time at the diner, they are going back to New York. After which we get to see Cheryl is now mayor and is advocating guns and police and all the things that she hated at the beginning of the movie. In the final scene we see her leave a single flower on a memorial for the mayor and then we get the end credits… and they play that horrid terrible song that Derek wrote about Frida. It was not funny in the movie, and it is even worse in the credits… and with that we are finally done with this terrible, terrible movie.

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

What do I think of this movie… Well, one piece of trivia is that this was the first movie that I, Zombie Master tried to review and it is so bad it stumped me for awhile. Because of that, I have seen it about thirty-seven times. I will never watch it again now that I have this done. It had an ok concept, but it was terribly executed. I see that they were trying to make a statement about the patriotic extremism that was still pretty prevalent still in 2006 when this came out. However, there are two main problems. The first is that it was poorly executed and just makes me think this {Play Clip – Everyone’s a little bit racist} and it is also very dated at this point which makes it look even more like a worthless pile of garbage. It has a few good points; all the stuff with Lance and Tom for the most part is good. I say if you are looking for a few chuckles and a very mildly amusing B movie. Give it a watch, but know that overall this is a horrible and dated movie that is really only good for a watch maybe two and the ending is depressing, having everyone but Lance and Tom end up being exactly what they did not want to be in the beginning. .. And guess what… *deadpan* they are making a sequel. *End Deadpan*

Annnnnd Fade to Black!

 

{Outro}

 

Never get stoned before a zombie outbreak, Always keep a level head, Know who is going to lose their mind, and Remember Horror NEVER Dies.

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