Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Twenty One ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

When you’re being entertained at the –Zombie Jamboree- you may just find that –The Dead- are your friends while you listen to Zombie Master review 1999’s -Idle Hands-

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is going to catch you with your pants down while reviewing the movie Idle Hands. I know some might question this being a zombie movie, but you will find out why later. Now, before I get into this, I first need to make note that unlike many other movies that promote the soundtrack before the movie. They nicely only use a still frame card instead of an entire commercial that gives away some of the movie’s best scenes. The thing is though that since this is an original issue VHS copy of the movie… I could always just fast forward unlike with a LOT of DVDs. Anyway, now to going on drinking two fingers of Credits, there’s a intro sequence that …sort of… has interesting visuals though it really has nothing to do with the movie.

Finishing with the title sequence, we go through the lawn, past the fake deer and fake birds in this “normal” suburban fashion to, Mr. & Mrs. American Gothic Pumpkin heads in the window, then up to the bedroom where the wife and husband are going to bed, and it would seem we finally done with the Credits!

As soon as the husband flicks off the light it says on the ceiling, “Im under the bed” in glow paint. The wife freaks out, and she makes him look under the bed, and why can’t women in horror movies ever look for themselves?! He finds nothing and she thinks it must be their son Anton… *<dripping with sarcasm>* now… I have to stop for a moment… not so subtle references… eeeuuukk*<end sarcasm.>* You see, that is a reference to Anton LaVey, founder of the church of Satan. Moving forward…

Hearing a noise downstairs she pushes him to go see what it is, he goes down, we hear screams of course, and she gets curious and goes to look for him. She calls to Anton in the Attic and we hear moooore thumps… ooooooo… getting downstairs she ends up falling and getting covered in blood, then going back up stairs, crying out for Anton, then runs to her room. Once she gets there, she goes to call 911, however the phone gets yanked away from her, and she is pulled under the bed it jumps and a splatter of blood comes out looking more like a Ketchup packet being stepped on than a human being dieing. *laugh* Which makes this scene pretty awesome.

Panning up, it reminds us of the “Im under the bed” on the ceiling.

{Shout Out – http://www.gruesomehertzoggpodcast.us/}

 

{Scene Two}

 

A quick cut later, and we are panning around the attic, we see Anton waking up, going down stairs, passing by the cat licking up blood, and screaming at his Mother about everything their out of. Shortly thereafter he figures out he’s out of weed and ends up going over to his friends in his boxers. Where we meet his only mildly less lazy friends Mick and Pnub, now for a trivia moment Mick is played by the then unknown Seth Green, best known for being the voice of Chris Griffin on Family Guy. Shortly thereafter we see Anton’s crush Molly, also played by then unknown actress Jessica Alba probably best known for her roles the Fantastic Four and Sin City. As I was saying, Molly loses her book, and we find out that Anton has been stalking her for a long time it would seem so much so that he has things in a private book of hers… memorized… {Play Clip – Lonely Island – The Creep} So, his friends encourage him to go give her the book back and talk to her… but first to put on pants. Seems his friends are nicer than mine would have been. Well… he does… well… sort of… I mean talk to her, he is smart enough to put on pants. In a usual awkward teen comedy moment he ends up not talking to her just giving her the book back and awkwardly power walking away while she is trying to talk to him…

Suddenly, we jump to Beaver, Utah seeing a nun going into a prison, seeing a guy and a mangled hand. We cut to her outside getting rid of her habit, and saying she missed it again. With that we see that it is another then unknown, it is Vivica A. Fox who you’re likely to remember from being Will Smith’s wife in Independence Day. We go back with this false nun to her RV and we see her connect the dots, and drive away.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Jumping back to Anton, we see him have a run-in with two local cops while walking home from getting groceries, he tries to score some… dope… from… them… they end up giving him a ticket for littering and then we cut to him *exasperated* trying… to… smoke… a joint… made… of… Nutmeg… and… Oregano… */exasperated* He ends up washing his mouth out with dish soap and then goes to make sandwich, and this goes through my head {Play Clip – Weird Al – My Bologna} (Never thought I would have that song go through my head while watching a zombie movie) Only after he’s taken a bite does he notice that the knife is cover in blood. Understandably he freaks out thinking that the killer is in the house, he runs upstairs calling the dog and hides under the covers, seeing the “Im under the bed” on the ceiling, he runs back downstairs and finds out that his parents are now Mr. & Mrs. Pumpkin head. Anton upon seeing his own parents dead freaks out even more runs outside (thankfully in the daylight), and throws up in a bush.

I have stop for a moment and say, you know that’s a much more realistic response than most quote unquote “serious” zombie/horror movies have people do when they find friends, relatives, or loved ones *pause for a moment* dead. Running away, throwing it up, Not immediately checking the body… then getting bit, stabbed, shot, or in some other way simply put. Made dead.

So, he runs and gets his friends and brings them back to show them his parents. He has to turn off his TV first for them to realize that there are two people dead in front of them. However, when they do realize that Anton’s parents are dead in front of them, they act more appropriately than most people in every zombie/horror movie ever… and being that this is a zombie/horror comedy it’s kind of sad when you think about it. They quickly realize that Anton is the killer, and his hand ends putting a broken beer bottle into Mick’s skull, which when he goes to check it makes a nice sloshing sound which I think is a nice touch and shortly thereafter his hand decapitates Pnub.

{Shout Out – http://joeypinkney.com/}

 

{Scene Four}

 

Now that his hand has killed his two best friends Anton walks around in shock like any normal person would. He decides to watch TV and we get to have an amusing scene of him fighting his hand which wants to watch horror movies while he wants to watch cartoons. His cat comes up and he unsuccessfully tries to shoo it away, instead his hand sends it flying out the window, across the street and into the gutter. We cut quickly to Anton looking for the cat in Molly’s bush *quick pause* then his hand forces him to ring her doorbell. *quick pause* When Molly comes out she is wearing something leaves nothing to the imagination, and I have to say that Anton has good taste.

Between Molly and his hand, Anton ends up inside in Molly’s room, after some more than awkward scenes, his hand forces him to grabs her ass. She is impressed that he had the cojones to do it…?! certainly not the words any women I have ever known would have used in that situation… annnnd they end up making out on the bed, him fighting his hand not to kill her. A little while later her parents get home and he had to put his pants back on… Well… Pnub’s pants back on and setting up a date with her for the Halloween dance before going out the window.

We flip over to Anton having buried his parents and his friends when Mick and Pnub come back from the dead and clock him over the head with a shovel.

 

{Scene Five}

 

Finally waking up from the shovel over his head, he goes on downstairs thinking that it was all a dream, and quickly finds out that it wasn’t and his friends are undead but they have a great sense of humor about it. They make it clear that they are not the flesh eating type of zombies. (An no they are not specifically why I see this as a Zombie Movie, keep listening to find out) So, now he gets sent to an “expert” on Satanism, and we meet Randy… the only reason they think he is an expert on Satan is because he listens to metal music. After a few scenes including one with the lead singer of Blink 182 playing a guy who was taking orders in the drive thru, Randy’s advice is that that “Idol Hands” are the Devil’s playground (or as Anton later quotes it “the devil’s playpen”) and there folks, don’t ya just love having the movie’s title spelled out for ya.

Anyway… we get to see Anton knit to Rob Zombie’s Dragula, and with that Anton’s hands kept busy and thus this is the end of the movie. Yeah… Right. Actually then the two cops from earlier come on a noise complaint and figure out he’s the killer try to arrest him and get the glory. However, one doesn’t want to listen and has a knitting needle go in one ear and out the other, and the other cop get’s high, high voltage that is 40,000 volts to the face with a stun gun.

After killing the two cops Anton tries to use a bagel slicer to take off his hand and it just bends. So he instead uses a meat cleaver having Pnub’s head which is sitting separate from his body bite down on Anton’s hand while Anton cleaves off it off.

In another super intelligent moment that most other horror movies in general would not have done, Mick uses an iron to stop the blood flow, then wraps the stump in a towel and a plastic bag after which Mick and Pnub go to get a first aid kit and antiseptic… How many other zombie/horror movies whether of the serious or comedy type have their characters be that smart in such an extreme situation?!

Moving on, Anton hears the doorbell ring. It is the lovely Molly, He yells for her not to come in, then fights Thing into the microwave. Another trivia moment, the disembodied hand is played by the same man who played Thing in the Adams family movies. So Anton’s really IS cooking Thing in the microwave. Anton stops Molly from coming in and sends her to the dance telling her that he will meet her there. Then we cut to a scene where Mick reattaches Pnub’s head using a utensil and Duct Tape, going again to show that Duct Tape really does fix everything. Anton comes in and finds out that Mick and Pnub let the hand while making burritos in the microwave.

Then we flip to Randy meeting Debi and “Hello Exposition!” about a minute later she explains everything that is going on with Anton and the two of them go to find him.

{Shout Out – http://ssshorrorreviews.net/}

{Scene Six}

 

Shortly afterward, we pan in on a high school parking lot, and we get to see a couple dressed as KISS make the worst mistake you can do in any horror movie… they make out and even show bare breasts! Thing cops a feel, then of course kills them both. Right after that Anton and his friends get there and he sends the two zombies to look for Molly at the dance while he goes after Thing.

Now once they get into the dance we hear The Offspring covering The Ramones, now even if we suspend disbelief and say that they are supposed to be “some local band”. I still never knew of ANY high school dance I ever went to or heard of that had any punk rock band at it… (and yes, I was in high school near the time this movie was made…). On the other hand, I am not complaining. Moving on.

Skipping ahead a few scenes we see Anton find the principal dead from one step beyond castration, and then we jump to Thing sharpening its nails in a pencil sharpener. We slip on over to Dani finding Anton and trying to kill him finally stopping when she figures out that he let the “Evil” loose. After a few humorous but skipable moments, Anton, Dani, and Randy make it into the gym as does Thing closing and locking the door behind them. Anton interrupts the band trying to let everyone know the danger, getting stuff thrown at him. The lead singer, pushes him away and quickly gets scalped and the one and only thing I can think during this scene is {Play Clip – You got the body, I got the brain} from Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

With that, it turns into the prom scene from Carrie for a moment, then Molly is talked into getting into a ventilation shaft with her friend Tanya. They get to a point with a huge fan, and Molly is able to stop the fan with a high heel, and use the whip that Tanya has with her costume to climb down. As for Tanya the Thing ends up hanging her with the whip turning the fan back on an Thin Sliced Tanya anybody?!

With that we move to the auto shop, Thing has caught Molly and tied her to the top of a car, Anton and the boys come in, an Anton ends up ripping her dress off, and shortly thereafter gets Thing stoned with “Mighty Joe Bong” (you just have to see the movie to understand), and is able to save Molly just as her breasts are touching the ceiling. Dani destroys the hand; we get to see Molly in pretty much just a bra and panties, then Mick and Pnub end up accidently dropping the car on Anton. The garage doors open and they decide to finally go to heaven, of course with “Mighty Joe Bong” in tow.

We fade out then back in finding that Anton gave up heaven to stay with Molly and that Mick and Pnub are now his guardian angels. They turn the light out, and on ceiling it says, “Im under the bed” (why is it no one in this movie can use an apostrophe?!) I’m never has one, either at Anton’s house in the beginning or in the hospital room at the end… anyway… doesn’t matter. We leave this little universe with Mick and Pnub laughing because they painted it there as a prank, and Anton screams like a girl, and with that they roll the Credits…

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

Well, as for my final thoughts. First, let’s go into why I see this as a zombie movie. *said arrogantly* You see, before George A. Romero’s seminal Night of the Living Dead (*said under breath* though Dawn is a better movie), zombie movies included demonic possession, Voodoo, and pretty much anything where a person or part of them was out of their control. However, after 1968, that view narrowed to just the flesh eating variety. Now, most often movies I review will be of the post 1968, blood, guts, and rotting flesh type. However, on rare occasion there are gems like this that I will not pass up. *said snidely*

When it comes to my thoughts on this movie, personally, I see it as the precursor to Shaun of the Dead. It has that offbeat humor, and the crazy antics, while still having the smart and self deprecating tone towards the whole genre that it is making fun of. Yes it bombed in the box office; however, that I believe is because it came out less than two weeks after the Columbine Massacre occurred. At that point anything that had anyone teenage dying in it was bound to bomb. I think if they had been smart they would have pushed the release date back at least a little bit. But, with a cast of at the time unknowns and it being a horror comedy, I guess they did not feel they had a lot to lose.

I believe in a lot of ways this movie was really ahead of its time, if a fun, cheesy zombie horror comedy B-Movie is your thing then check this amazing and awesome one out.

Annnnnd…. Fade to Black…

 

{Outro}

 

Never look under the bed, Always remember Duct Tape, Know the right hands to shake, and Remember HORROR Never Dies!

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