Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Thirty Six ~ Text Review / Script

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

When you -Exit Humanity- you might find Kermit the Dead at -The Zombie Connection- singing about Zombie Master’s review of Nazis at the Center of the Earth from 2012

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and today Zombie Master is here to salute you and review Nazis at the Center of the Earth. We open up on a moon surrounded by clouds. We find that it is Thursday May 10th 1945, we see a bunch of Nazis pull up in a truck. Dr. Josef Mengele steps out, that of course if you can really call a butcher like that a doctor… anyway. We see them talking German and pulling out a mysterious machine, then the tanks show up and Mengele uses a rocket launcher taking out one of the tanks. He finally gets on the plane, after most of the others around him are dead. Still taking out people with his Luger while the plane takes off.

With that we get our Credits! It is a classic credit sequence, flying through the clouds and we get German language music as you would expect from the credits of a movie named as this one is. After ending our credit sequence, we come in on two researchers, Mark and Paige who after a few moments end up drilling into metal and finding a wing with a swastika on it. They summarily meet a couple of Nazi zombies who clock Mark over the head. We jump over to the Nifelheim research station… yeah… it would seem have Nazis and Norse Gods for this movie… Not really. But it would be fun movie to watch Thor, Loki, and Odin taking on the Nazis. Anyway… there is a plot of another B-Movie that has to be out there somewhere.

Going on, the scientists at the station and what seems to be their students go to the drill site to find out what is going on. All the while Paige and Mark are in a cell, three Nazis in gas masks come in and take Mark and this goes through my head {Doctor Who Quote ~ Are you my Mummy?} then we see him strapped down to a table. Mr. Mengele comes in (I refuse to call him a doctor) and goes about cutting along Mark’s scalp line. Mark begs and pleads… the problem is he sounds completely half hearted, that is until Mr. M goes about ripping his face off in one swift motion. Which is an awesome effect and makes me think of a magician yanking away a table cloth and this goes through my head. {Song Clip ~ Queen – A Kind of Magic}

 

{Scene Two}

 

Moving forward we see Dr. Lucas the head of the research station go spelunking down a random hole that they found and Dr. Reistad goes down with him. Once they get to the bottom we see the entire team went down there with him. All I can think is “{Plucky Duck impression} Scientists go down the hole” Once at the bottom, they find a second deeper hole and of course it would not be a movie if they just decided. Naaa too risky… so I think we can guess what they will do. Dr. Reistad says that they do not know how deep the shaft is… and sadly… all I can think is “that’s what she said”. We bounce over to Paige, who after getting served what looks to be gruel, somehow escapes her cell which we are given no explanation as to how. She has her fork as a weapon… though it would have been even funnier if it was a Spork or maybe a {Quote ~ Tick – Spoooooon!}. *serious voice* But only if it is a Denny’s spoon, those are lethal weapons. *end serious voice*

She comes into a room seemingly finding Mark, but we hear him crying and begging from behind a curtain. {Quote ~ Wizard of OZ – Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain} When Paige finds Mark, we see that all of the skin from his upper torso has been harvested. The Mark Nazi (that they transplanted Mark’s face on) comes up, Paige tries to stab him with her super fork. The zombie grabs her wrist, simply taking it away from her. She runs, but gets cornered in a meat locker by him and two gas mask zombies, and it is eluded to that the three of them go about gang raping her.

 

{Scene Three}

 

Following Dr. Lucas and the gang down the deeper hole, we see they find a paradise at the center of the earth. Weirdly it has blue skies, clouds, and seemingly even a sun. They stand in awe for a moment and the thing about this whole scene that strikes me as the most odd is that Dr. Reistad is wearing sunglasses… why would you be bringing along your sunglasses on a rescue mission in the arctic?! Well… at least he looks as cool as his Dad. You see Dr. Reistad is played by Jake Busey, Gary Busey’s son.

Anyway they walk for a bit, and end up at a hanger. Going inside the doors close and we get goose stepping Nazis with seemingly advanced rifles. Mr. Mengele comes in and Dr. Reistad gives him the Nazi salute. We learn why so many people have died on Reistad’s watch. He has been feeding them to the Nazi zombies it would seem. Yet, this group is not there in order to be new tissue for them. They are there to help fix their problems and keep them alive. The one Jewish guy in the group speaks up and in our first but certainly not last moment of what the figgery. Mr. Mengele goes about using what I can only say *serious but unbelieving tone* seems like a Kligon disrupter on him… *end tone* seriously he vaporizes him in one shot… his blue ashes floating off into the either.

Paige shows up in full Nazi dress, saves Dr. Lucas by telling him that it is either do what they are told or die. We go to Scooby and the gang now in a cell, there is one guy with a baseball acting like he is Steve McQueen in the Great Escape, so that is what I will call him. (and why did he bring a baseball?!?) They bicker for a moment then they are all brought to the lab. I have to ask how they get all those new supplies in the center of the earth… Anyway, Lucas goes about helping Not Mark keep his face on by applying an antibiotic.

 

{Scene Four}

 

Pushing forward, we see May one of the other scientist hand Dr. Lucas an instrument which he pockets. We quickly go to them being taken out and separated, when they take the women. *Umm Yeah tone* They say they are only going to the showers… *end tone* ANYONE who knows anything about the history of WWII knows that is NOT a good thing. We go to them in the showers, and Dr. Reistad’s girlfriend pulls away from the other two. One of the zombie Nazis admires Angela’s arm tattoo. When Mr. Mengele comes in he tells them to take May to surgery, he gives Angela to the four Nazi zombies… including Not Mark. We pull away from this scene seeing her about to be gang raped by the walking rotting corpses.

Getting away from that nasty scene, we see Lucas find Reistad’s girlfriend crying in the hallway. When he asks her what happened to the other two we see a gurney being pushed along and see Angela’s tattoo prominently on a Nazi neck. They bring Lucas into the room with the mystery machine and then we see May has had the top her skull removed, and they start playing with her brain. When the stem cells do not do whatever they are wanting them to, Mengele gets pissed, and pulls out May’s brain with his hands. We see her die and then he smashes it on the floor in anger. Once he leaves, we find out that Reistad’s girlfriend is pregnant. When we do… so does Reistad… who summarily goes about apologizing to her then knocking her out.

We cut to her waking up strapped to a table, needless to say… Reistad goes about uses what looks to be an industrial shop vacuum to perform one of the most brutal and violent abortions you could find without anesthetic. Finishing up with that bit of wow… we go to him putting the stem cells into the mystery machine. It sounds like the engine starts and… and… and… I… i… I… out. pops. a. Futurama head of Adolf Hitler attached to a giant… robo-endoskeleton. There are no words.

Give me a moment. *pause* *sigh* Ok… now that I have regained my decomposer and what little sanity I may have had left. I can move on… one detail I do like about the head of Hitler *tone of utter disbelief* (I never ever thought I would EVER be saying those words…) *end tone* is that you can see the bullet hole from where he did the world a favor and shot himself on Monday April 30th, 1945. (I guess even Hitler hated Mondays.)

 

{Scene Five}

 

Anyway, we get a Nazi salute and we jump to Dr. Lucas and the other two being brought outside. We see the Robo-Führer rise out of the building on a platform, when the three scientists see him they have the funny yet appropriate reaction of what the figging fig?! When the curly haired one tries to run we see Hitler 9000 jump almost blocking out… the… sun? Decapitating curly Q as he lands.

Everyone reacts… then… I didn’t think that Crow T. Hitler could be topped by a zombie movie so quickly… HOWEVER, he gives an order and the entire dome of the building opens… out flies… a… Nazi U.F.O. in the classic flying saucer shape… and this goes through my head {Play Clip – Superman – Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane!} its! Robo-Hitler’s Nazi U.F.O.! Then, once we take in that bit of W.T.F. they get inside; Mengele tries to get Paige to perform surgery on Lucas. Yet, instead she cuts him free and swiftly cuts Mengele’s throat. Then Lucas grabs the scalpel throwing it into the throat of the Nazi guard. I do have to stop for a moment and say how odd it seems that in so many movies everyone is an expert knife thrower. I do believe even with my limited knowledge of the subject something as light as a scalpel would be incredibly hard to throw accurately.

They get to Steve McQueen’s room, and Reistad runs as he was about to perform surgery on him. (McQueen is the only good guy left of the whole research team other than Paige and Lucas). Lucas decides to bare knuckle box with Not Mark until Steven McQueen gives Not Mark a scalpel to the kidney. As Not Mark is dying, Lucas come up in a cool moment, looks at him saying “This is NOT yours.” Ripping Mark’s face from him, and Not Mark dies off.

We go up to the cock pit with Cyber Hitler and we see the Nazi U.F.O. break free of the Earth’s crust.

 

{Scene Six}

 

Flying forward, we see a plane changing course, *sarcastic tone* I don’t know why… isn’t it every day that a Nazi U.F.O. comes flying out of the earth. *End Tone* Anyway… going back to our three heroes, they meet up with Mark one more time thinking that they will be able to take him with them. They find him completely skinless, and with no legs from above the knee, and from what I can tell no hands from above the wrist. He begs them to kill him, and they do….*said quickly* then we move on vaporizing a Nazi along the way. *End quick* The plane shoots Maverick missiles at them. *slight laugh* and they all get shot down by the Nazi U.F.O. Now there is some interesting birth control.

They make it to a stairway, and you know for being such futuristic guns… they are not all that accurate. (then again it seems that way in a lot of movies). Once they get going up the stairs, Lucas pushes a cart with an oxygen container on it down the stairs. The Nazis nicely shoot it, conveniently blowing themselves up when they could have just side stepped. Jumping ahead a little we see the Nazi U.F.O. use an electromagnetic pulse to bring down the plane which nose dives right into the ground.

We find out downstairs that their master plan was using flesh eating bacteria in bombs to take out all the Non-Aryan countries… seems… a little short sided to me. Even if you did want to kill off the vast population of the planet, wouldn’t you want it to still be inhabitable? A problem I have also always seen with nuclear weapons in general as well. Anyway… Rock’em Sock’em Hitler goes downstairs, and just when they find the “life boats” the door opens and Hitler skewers Steven McQueen.

Keeping it simple, we see Paige and Lucas fight Adolf the Robot downstairs, while upstairs Reistad’s girlfriend is able to lift one of the futuristic bombs off a Nazi zombie. When she shows Dr. Reistad He takes it from her and it turns on charging for detonation. He hugs her too him and we see the bomb vaporize the entire cockpit. As the U.F.N.O (Unidentified, Flying, Nazi, Object) crashes to the ground we see an escape craft shoot out. Landing we see Lucas and Page get their coats on. In that weather, in the arctic if I remember correctly… they would already have frostbite even from that minimal of exposure. Yet, I could be wrong… Going on… Hitler 5 survives the crash and we see him pissed chasing our two scientist when a plane machine guns him… annnnd yes… a giant green laser shoots out of his chest blowing the plane out of the sky.

They finally end up getting the flesh eating virus into him via a port to his Futurama head, and the Hitlernator accidently cuts a hole in the ice sending himself down to the bottom of the ocean. We finish up with Lucas pulling out an engagement ring, and we go to the credits… Buuuuut… ahhh… in glorious B-movie cheese fashion. After the credits, we go to the bottom of the ocean, and see MechaHitler’s hand move. Well… I can only guess… if they do make a sequel, it will be Hitler from the Deep.

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

My thoughts on this one… This is one of those awesomely amazing wonderfully bad movies full of B-Movie goodness, though it does not have zombies of the flesh eating variety. Now, I will say if you are not a fan of b-movie type bad horror/action/sci-fi movies, this one is not for you. Also if the only thing you want when you hear the word zombie is teeth in flesh, then you should pass up this one because it will definitely disappoint you if you are looking for any of those things.

On the other hand, if you are a fan of cheese, this is a Lord High Cheese of zombie B-Movie goodness. The zombies are more the classic, raised from the dead and under someone else’s control kind of zombies. The special effects remind me of bad nineties CGI, the acting is surprisingly good except for a few small spots. Also surprisingly this also comes from a first time director. Who in this, his debut showing, in my opinion did wonderfully well with material that could have made for just a terrible movie an’ not a good bad movie. This one is a lot of fun and certainly has rewatch value. Simply put this is one of those if you are a fan of this type of fare you should seek it out, watch it, and enjoy it.

Annnnnnnnd… Just because this has been going through my head the ENTIRE movie. {Play Clip – Donald Duck Cartoon – Der Führer’s Face } Good Ol’ Donald Duck…

Annnnnnnnnnnd Fade to Black.

 

{Outro}

 

Never resurrect a dead dictator, Always keep your girlfriend happy, Know Nazis are never any good, and Remember HORROR Never Dies…

Find more episode of Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies on iTunes (and leave a review), or find more episodes at HellisFull.net

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