Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies – A Zombie Podcast | Episode Thirty Eight ~ Text Review / Script ~ Movie Review

by Zombie Master

{Intro}

 

If -The Dead Matter- you should wonder if it is -Zombie Doomsday- or if  you are just teamed with the -Zombie Hunters: (in the) City of the Dead- huddled listening to Zombie Master review Zombies Vs. Strippers from 2012.

 

{Scene One}

 

Hell is Full, and Zombie Master is here with a flash while he reviews Zombies Vs. Strippers. In week two of the zombie duel to the undead match up, we are still at 0/0 with no points for the strippers yet! Let’s see how they fair this week my loyal Hellions!

We start out seeing this is a Full Moon Features release, which tells your Zombie Master that it is likely to be dripping with cheesy goodness, moving ahead the movie starts with a very good opening credits sequence though maybe a little long. Once done with that, we see a car drive up with our strip club owner, Spider… who is played by a guy whose first name is Circus. Which I think is pretty awesome. Anyway, we see he is having a conversation that does not seem to go well; someone wants to buy his club… We see his license plate says “I love Hambo”, which with as prominently as it is displayed is obviously going to be a plot point.  Once we get inside… we meet most of our major characters… the door guy is an idiot, the dancer on stage is boring everyone and a lush, the bartender is building a house out of little umbrellas, and his DJ is so stoned that he thinks the sound of a skipping record is really great to dance too…

Soooo Spider threatens to fire the DJ and just put on an MP3 player, however the DJ talks him into giving him another chance. Bambi the school girl comes out… (who I find more attractive than any of the girls in the previous movie your Zombie Master reviewed.). The audience looks dead, and I mean in the undead kind of way. She does everything but give them a lap dance, and all she really gets is them groaning. (Which in that setting, I would think in any other situation… might be a good thing.) Spider just blames the music for the dead audience, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they look dead. After that for some reason we hop outside to watch the sunset, I am guessing to show time passing…

Yet, we zip back inside just as quickly, Spider trying to talk to the only two patrons that he has, however one starts eating the other zombie’s fingers… (Now, that is RARE… you never see zombies eat each other…) Spider freaking out goes into the lap dance room to check on the girl back there. She is ok… though she does call him daddy… with a movie like this, you never really know what that could mean. Is she his daughter or… anyway…

 

{Scene Two}

 

Hopping ahead a little we see Spider go into his office and start watching this Hambo character… who it turns out is even creepier than one would imagine he makes me feel dirty for even watching his bits… (which is impressive) Hambo is supposed to be a Ranch Hand clown, I am guessing… but he looks like Randy Quaid with a pig nose and a bad wig, crossed with many stereotypes of a child molester. Thankfully Hambo gets interrupted by a news report detailing all the events going on outside. Easily put, ZOMBIES! or more to the point world in chaos, end times, hospitals full, and all the normal Jazz. Back from the action news, we see that the club is five thousand dollars in the hole, and Spider decides to sell. Yet, as he is on the phone the seemingly useless bouncer… are any of the bouncers in any of these movies worth two cents? Who knows…

Going on, everyone walks outside to find that a Foxy Brown looking girl is knocking the two zombies around for drooling on her shoes. One of the more fun lines of the movie comes into play with Spider telling the Bouncer that he is supposed to be protecting the girls from the patrons, an not the other way around. Once we are inside, after some cat fighting and random bickering, Spider lets them all know that he is selling the club. The bouncer decides to blow his savings on the girls, and I have to ask myself why he was carrying a thousand dollars on him in an area that they have REPEATEDLY said the cops do not even come too…

After a few moments of the bouncer feeling like he is king, the lead singer of a band named… let’s just say Nancy Regan’s female genitalia comes in. He tells them that he robbed the show that he was playing after it went all chaos and anarchy with people biting people. You can almost hear the cha ching of everyone around, and Spider sees it as a way to save the place. After placating the guy a bit, and the bouncer whining because he lost his spot as king, they all talk about it in the back room. It is decided that even if Spike (the guy who came in) tries to rob the place. Then they will roll him, steal his stolen money, and throw him out for the zombies.

 

{Scene Three}

 

With that out of the way, Foxy Brown dances for Spike and he goes about tossing hand fulls of money on stage and not in a figurative sense. We hop over to Spider having a talk with Sugar, asking if he is crazy, she says no and they have a drink together. Suddenly they hear banging at the door, like an idiot Spider goes about opening the door to cuss out the guy and suddenly three zombies get inside, everyone freaks out after Spider clocks one with a pool cue… and it does not stop, just has his eye hanging out. We find that these are classic Return of the Living Dead style zombies. Braaaains talk and all, Marvin the bouncer gets his hand bit. They drag the zombies back outside, and Spider thinks about calling the cops (not that it would do any good) and everybody talks him out of it because Spike says he’ll leave and everyone needs the money. Soooo… Spider says he won’t and they go about entertaining Spike, Bobby the bartender plays with an eyeball and we move on…

After Spider says no one else is to come in, suddenly of course another guy with tons of cash to blow gets in the doors. We see he is the kind of guy I would like to see completely devoured by a horde of zombies. We jump back into the back room for a moment seeing Spike let’s just say… having a good time with Bambi. Then we head on over to Spider office, where he tries to call and decline the offer to sell the club… Yet… there is no phone service, but we find out there is TV funny enough and we get to watch his beloved Hambo get devoured like a vegan having their first taste of bacon. Sugar takes the remote and changes to the news.

That moment is broken by gunfire, and in comes the Gravediggers, their leader’s personality reminds me of Merle Dixon from The Walking Dead… yet with a love of God (Which is kind of confusing). They have a bit of a standoff till the bartender pulls out a shotgun. The one problem with this is that when he is pointing it at Redwings (the leader of the little gang and yes… he is named that for that reason…) he is also pointing it at the back of Spider and Sugar’s heads. (Always remember, shotgun blasts spread out unless you are using slug shot… which would be unlikely for one kept behind a bar.) Anyway… back to the point, he would take off both their heads to shoot Redwings… after a few moments of silly dialogue; more zombies make their way into the bar since the gang did not think to close the door. (Why is it no one seems to know how to close a door in this movie?) We see it is Spike’s band, looking like they got a serious case of the undeads… Sugar jumps over the bar, and everyone else pulls back into a huddle.

 

{Scene Four}

 

Then everything goes nuts, with the DJ getting his fingers bitten off, one of the gang gets bit when he gets distracted by breasts, and sadly the bartender gets eaten. Once we are done with that bit of zombie madness, we go back to the bouncer with one of the strippers and… hear him whine… and whine… (I want him to die…), until she starts to give him a lap dance.

After a bit of jumping around we come back and see Marvin go from being stiff, to being a stiff while his stripper friend continues to go about doing what she does best it would seem… Skipping ahead a little two of the guys decide to try their luck outside one becomes meat for the beast before he can blink. The other begs to be let back in (though he had been warned he wouldn’t be) and surprisingly they do the smart thing and let him get eaten without anyone talking about the moral ramifications for once.

After some more amusing moments, we see that Marvin has risen from the dead… the problem is the stripper who is giving him a lap dance is too stupid to realize it. He ends up ending up ripping off her face with his teeth in a wonderfully cheesy effect. Once back in the bar with Spider and Sugar, Spider realizes Marvin never locked the back door… *pause for effect* so they try to find the best weapons they can find. Spider chooses an 8 ball… Sugar chooses a bottle of 151… now that stuff is dangerous, your Zombie Master could tell you stories… yet… I try to keep this clean. Moving on…

 

{Scene Five}

 

Following them into the back of the club, they indeed find the back door is unlocked, and who should enter? The zombie Hambo… who of course Spider cannot bring himself to kill, as they go to turn and run zombie bouncer comes in trapping them in the hallway… Spider is able to kill him with ease, and then Spider and Sugar take refuge in his office. Back out front, Redwings gets bitten by the zombie stripper, and Foxy Brown gives him a stiletto to the temple. Then the zombies break through the front door barricade and the rest of the living go looking for Spider.

Back in the office, just as Spider is about to declare his love for Sugar Hambo knocks the door in crushing Spider in the process. Hambo crawls in, and eats Spider’s brains that are splattered all over the floor. Sugar, goes about having a pig roast setting Hambo on fire and we get some hilarious squealing as he dies. Once she is back out on the floor, she meets up with the rest of them and we see them all go about some zombie killing goodness.

Coming near the end of this wonderful little romp, we see the school girl Bambi get bitten on the posterior. Spike gets torn apart and when the last three strippers get trapped on the stage Sugar sacrifices herself to save the other two. Foxy Brown and Bambi take Redwing’s bike but before they ride off we get a close up of Bambi’s bite, and the credits roll.

 

{Final Thoughts}

 

Well, on my final thoughts. This one most definitely scores a point for the strippers. This movie is a bunch of cheese B-Movie goodness as I would expect from a Full Moon Features release. It has the right amount of fun, taking its self just seriously enough not to be outright stupid while still playing with all of the aspects that a zomedy should. Over the top lines, good acting, and to top it off the stripping scenes are sexy in a zombie movie kind of way without taking up too much screen time.

The zombies play into the classic Return of the Living Dead style that John A. Russo made famous with the “Braaaains” line that they use well here.  This is a fun little splatter fest that you can turn your braaaaains off and enjoy. It is short clocking in at about an hour and ten or so minutes, but I think it works and does not over play its welcome. This is another movie with a first time director that I look forward to seeing more from. Seriously, if you like Lord High Cheese horror comedy, even if you are not into zombies check this one out.

Annnnnnnd Fade to Black…

 

{Outro}

 

Always lock your doors, Never give a lap dance to a zombie, Know how to handle your liquor, and Remember Horror Never DIES!

Find more episodes of Hell is Full: Horror Never Dies on iTunes and leave a review, or you can go to HellisFull.net

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